Broken Dreams (Buckin)

•19•

"Shit...", I mumbled as I turned my aching neck. Where was I? I was completely disoriented until everything came to my mind again. Had I really fallen asleep on a parking lot? This must have been my new rock bottom. But at least it seemed like no one had found me, it must have still been quite early because the sun hadn't yet risen. How long had I even been asleep? It couldn't have been so long considering it had already been past 3am when I had arrived here. Nonetheless my neck hurt like I had spent an entire night leaned against a concrete wall.

Jonny...

I felt how all the pain was rushing back into me, making my stomach feel sick. I still couldn't see him. I had never felt that helpless in my life and it was killing me. But I couldn't risk staying here and worrying about Jon's state much longer. I was pretty sure sleeping on the parking lot wasn't listed as allowed on the visitor guidelines of the hospital.

So instead I fumbled for the keys in my pocket and started to move my aching body towards my car. Maybe a coffee and a proper breakfast later I'd look less like I had gotten my only few hours of sleep sitting on the asphalt.

***

"Chris umm... Are you sure you're alright?"

Obviously I hadn't been able to get around telling the guys how I had spent my night once they had arrived here.

"I'm fine."

It was quite obvious I wasn't, but that's not what mattered right now. What mattered was Jonny.

"Also, you guys don't look much less knackered than me."

"Well, we spent the last ten hours on a plane."

Our conversation was interrupted by the nurse entering the waiting room.

"Good news, the doctors will be gone soon and you can see Jonny in a few minutes."

We nodded, all of us too worried to actually say something.

We had been informed earlier that Jonny had gotten a surgery after he had arrived and he had a few broken bones. But it was nothing life-threatening.

I was relieved that he was most likely going to be okay again, but I couldn't help feeling sick with worry. I could only imagine all the pain and shock he had to go through. He was the last person who deserved it and well, I was in love with him. No one could stand seeing the person they loved getting hurt.

***

A few minutes later the five of us were standing around a sleeping Jonny in a hospital bed, listening attentively to what the doctor had to say. He told us all details about Jonny's state.

"He'll probably wake up in a few hours, it's the anesthetics that make him sleepy."

We all nodded in silence. Once the doctor had left I moved closer to Jonny, touching his cheek. He looked so peaceful as he was laying here asleep but I knew the only reason he wasn't in terrible pain were the narcotics and painkillers he had gotten. I imagined how he must have felt when the accident had happened. No one ever thought they would be the one to have something like this happening to them. I started to feel dizzy and sick at the thought of all that he must have gone through. I was unable to handle this anymore, but I tried my best not to let it show in front of my friends. I knew all this was my fault. What if Jonny had to take a break from music just because of this? Just because of me?

I knew how hard that would be for him, it was just as important to him as to me.

A million other What-Ifs started popping up in my head, giving me terrible anxiety. What if he wouldn't be able to play the way he did before at all again? Was it possible that a fracture left consistent consequences? 

And the worst thing of all was, I couldn't stop thinking that all this was just happening because of me. I knew the others would say it's stupid, but well, hadn't I behaved like such an lovesick idiot that Jonny felt the need to come over here, he wouldn't have been on that plane. It was as simple as that.

Suddenly I felt the urgent need to get out of here, I just couldn't handle it anymore. I felt how my heart rate was rising and my palms were getting sweaty. I started pacing towards the door, causing my bandmates to turn their heads in surprise.

"Where are you going Chris?", Guy asked but I was unable to make a sound. They wouldn't get why this was freaking me out so much.

Apart from that, I really had no idea where I was going either. I just knew that I had to get away from here. I knew when I was about to lose it. That had happened to me often enough the last few weeks. 

So I just ran, out of the hospital door (with several nurses shouting at me not to run), and over the parking lot, into busy streets I didn't know. I felt how tears were running down my cheeks and I probably looked like I had gone insane, but I didn't care. After some time I finally stopped running and took a look at where I was. I was standing behind the wall of what appeared to be some sort of factory. Here I was, letting Jonny down again. He might being waking up right now, but I was behaving like an complete idiot, like I was the one who deserved to be pitied.

I was getting more and more angry at myself, for all the things I had done, for all the times I had failed Jonny and the others as a friend. All the times I had messed their lives up with my stupid problems. And most of all that the love of my life was lying in a hospital bed, just because all I ever did was mess things up. I felt a terrible urge to scream, but instead I punched the concrete wall next to me. I had believed I had gotten better at managing my anger, but obviously not. Great, another thing I had failed at.

I hit the wall again with my fist. And again. And again. And-

My head snapped in confusion. Someone had grabbed my arm and was keeping it from hitting the concrete again.

A/N: Ahh cliffhanger:P But the good news is, the next chapter will be up soon cause I already got most of it written!