Broken Dreams (Buckin)

•6•

I hadn't really done anything but sit around in my house for four days now. I just wanted to move on but I had no idea where to move. There was just nothing that pushed or motivated me to do something. No work to do, no one who loved me waiting for me.

I guess it would have been a good idea to at least eat something but I still didn't see a point in that either. It would still leave me hungry for what I really wanted anyway. I felt like I was trapped in a dark hole, with no way to get out and with every step I took trying to find my way out I just got even deeper into the darkness.

I didn't deny it anymore now. It was just impossible to ignore the burning feeling any longer. But that didn't make it any better, rather it just seemed to break over me like a gigantic wave. And everything I could hold on to was gone now, exposing me fully to the force that was drowning me.

What should I do now? I had never felt that helpless in my life. 

Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why was this all happening to me? I didn't see any point in living anymore when I couldn't be with him, and I knew I never would.

I almost fell off my bed from shock when I suddenly heard my phone ringing. I caught myself and picked up my phone, looking at who it was.

"Jonnyboy" it said on the screen. I instantly put my phone aside again, tears forming in my eyes at the thought of him. I just couldn't talk with him right now. It would hurt too much. Jonny had tried to reach me ever since the morning Jane broke up with me. I could tell he was getting worried because his messages and calls were getting more and more frequent. But I had never managed to answer yet. I just couldn't. 

I picked up my phone again staring at it for a little while before I watched the screen getting dark as I switched it off. Like that would make it better somehow I also took the battery out of it, hiding it in my drawer.

Then I curled up in my bed again, drowning myself in misery and self-loathing. I couldn't go on like this anymore. 

***

After a week I decided that I had to finally at least leave my house again. I would never get anywhere if I kept  myself locked up in here.

I had a proper breakfast that consisted of more than a cup of tea - for the first time in seven days - and got into my running shoes. Running had always helped me so maybe it would now too. The sun was shining as I stepped outside, like it wanted to tell me that I should smile. But I wasn't ready for that yet.

I started to feel my feet moving faster as I crossed the streets towards the rather empty part of the beach. With the music blasting in my ears and my body moving forward I seemed to finally be able to forget everything for a little while. Of course inside I wasn't really any better yet, but just being able to let go of it for some time already helped a lot.

About an hour later the sweat was running down my whole body and my face felt hot from the morning sun. I just wanted to keep running but my body started to give in, it couldn't take the high speed I was running at anymore. I started to slow the movement of my legs down and continued my way towards my house.

I still had the music at full volume but suddenly I noticed someone screaming trough it. I listened closer and recognized my name. Why was someone shouting my name?

I got one of the earplugs out of my ear and turned around to see Jane facing me.

"Chris!", she said, relieved that I had finally heard her.

"Hi Jane, what's the matter?"

"I don't know for sure, but one of your bandmates has been calling me to tell you you should answer their messages."

"Oh sh...", I mumbled. I had totally forgotten about my phone, it must still have been laying in my drawer, switched off.

"Who was it?"

"Umm... I think it was Will. Listen Chris, I don't know what's gong on but you should really call them. He sounded very concerned."

"Okay thank you, I will."

With that we went apart again.

The first thing I did when I came home was turn my phone on again. I still wasn't quite ready for this, but I guess eventually I had to tell them about my break-up. I couldn't leave them in the dark anymore, I hated the thought that I was hurting them.

I took a deep breath in. My text messages and missed phone calls had blown up and I didn't even know where to start.

I read through Will's messages first, they had only started a few days ago.

"Chris, you have to call Jonny back. He's slowly dying here and we don't know what to do with him anymore.", said the last message.

My stomach started to twist. I felt so guilty for treating my best friends like that.

Then I looked into the chat with Jonny. The first messages were longer ones but they just turned into more and more desperate calls for me to reply, saying "Chris please".

It broke my heart. What had I done to him? I was such an awful person to hurt my best friend like that. He should be the first to know what was going on in my life, yet I had left him in the dark.

My hands were shaking as I slowly clicked onto the green phone button.

A/N: Sorry, I love making cliffhangers....
And also I decided to update this story not Meant To Be cause I had more ideas for this, but I'll try to update both soon again!