Broken Dreams (Buckin)

•20•

"Chris. Shhh. It's okay.", I heard Will's familiar voice next to me.

"I-"

"It's okay Chris. Just breathe."

That's what I did. I felt myself slowly calming down a bit as I kept taking deep breaths in and out. Will remained silent. He was such good friend, he knew how to handle my breakdowns so well. He didn't ask me any questions, he was just there for me.

Once I was calm enough to speak again I removed myself from his hug, clearing my throat.

"I'm- I'm so sorry. You didn't also need me losing my shit on top of everything."

"It's okay Chris, I understand. It's hard for us too."

"Well but you didn't make complete idiots of yourself like me, did you?", I laughed.

"I just..."

I wasn't sure if I should be telling Will this but I knew talking would help me.

"I feel like somehow this is all my fault, you know? If I hadn't pitied myself so much all the time that it made him worry and feel like he had to come visit me... he wouldn't have gotten on that plane."

"Chris, listen. None of this is your fault in any way. How could it be?? Any plane could have crushed any time. I know you like to blame yourself but there is no reason why this should be your fault."

I wasn't quite convinced but Will's words somehow made me feel better.

"Thank you Will. For everything."

We pulled into a hug again. Maybe Will didn't seem like the man who'd hug you, but once you knew him better you learned he's the exact opposite. His hugs always made you feel safe and at home.

"Wasn't this supposed to be our time?", I said almost tearing up. "You know, A Head Full Of Dreams. I thought this was the time everything would finally be great. But now everything's just a huge mess."

I sighed, all my worries that brought me here were coming back to me. I had no idea how I was gonna deal with all my responsibilities, or anything about the future really.

"Like, we might have to move the entire tour now. I don't think we'll manage to go on tour in less than a month."

And to be honest I didn't feel in the right state to play any shows myself.

"Chris, I know it's not the way we imagined it but we'll find a way. Just take it one step at a time, we can't figure out everything at once."

How could he always remain so calm about everything?

"And I know, you're not in the best state personally. But things will get better again, life can't always just go upwards. Don't you remember? Life is beautiful in all its colors, even the darker ones, they're here for a reason."

I smiled at Will quoting me. Those words had just come to my mind when I had done that interview, but somehow then everyone started quoting them. I had really believed them at that time and I guessed I still did.

"Thank you Will, I know you're right. Sometimes it's just so hard to see you know? When everything's so overwhelming and painful and somehow it just seems like there's no point in anything anymore."

"I know what you mean Chris, we've all been there. But it will get better I promise. Everything will be alright."

"And now, let's go back to the hospital where the others are, won't we?"

I nodded in response.

"How... How did you even find me here?"

"Well, we know you Chris. And we know when you're walking out of the room without saying a word there's something clearly wrong. So I decided to follow you. And it was a good thing I did.", he said looking at my bleeding fists.

"You might want to go to the doctors for these, they look bad."

"Don't worry, they hardly hurt.", I lied.

I had only started to feel the pain now, obviously the adrenaline had kept me from noticing before.

"Alright... Let's get them checked anyway."

We both started walking towards Will's car which was parked a few hundred meters away. I still didn't really feel good, but talking to Will had made things seem a little less terrible. I was so grateful for their friendship and I knew they would always be there for me, no matter what happened. And somehow I knew then that things would be alright again, maybe not right now but at some point. Even if Jonny didn't love me the way I loved him, what mattered most was that he would be alright again. He still was my best friend and so were the others.