Broken Dreams (Buckin)

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A/N: This chapter turned out so long... And kind of sad but you should be used to that by now lol

As I eventually managed to get out of bed I realized just how bad my headache was. My head hurt with every step I took. Why had I gotten drunk again?? But probably I deserved the pain and at least it distracted me from the other pain I felt a little. The pain that was stronger than anything else.

Getting into the kitchen I poured myself a glass of water and swallowed two painkillers. I opened the back door of the house that lead into the garden. I took a deep breath in and let the fresh morning air fill my lungs. Suddenly so many memories came back. The day before everyone had gone on their tour break when we had a small party in my garden. I hadn't been too happy back then either but I had felt... normal. Not totally shut off from the rest of the world. Not drowning in sadness over my unrequited love for Jonny. Not hating myself, or at least not so much. How could everything have gone down so fast?? The times when I was happily jumping around on stage seemed so far gone, yet it had only been a few months ago. 

I didn't know where I should go from here, it seemed impossible to get my normal life or anything about my old self back. Something back in my head told me that I had to, after all we would have to play shows again in a few months, but I din't really believe that I would ever be able to do that again. I didn't want to think about it, it made me feel even more like a failure. 

Now that I thought about it I suddenly felt a strong urge to play music again. Not for other people obviously, just for myself, but I hadn't really picked up my guitar since Jane had left me. Well, except you counted my drunk singing from last night. 

A few minutes later I was sitting on a bench with my acoustic guitar and tried to get used to playing again. It felt kind of strange, music was my life yet I hadn't even had enough motivation to play recently. I started playing some random chords, not really paying attention to what I was actually doing, until I let it fade into one of our old songs.

Come on, oh my star is fading

And I swerve out of control

If I, if I'd only waited

I'd not be stuck here in this hole

Come here, oh my star is fading

And I swerve out of control

And I swear I waited and waited

I've got to get out of this hole 

My playing and voice sounded a bit off at first but I didn't really care. I felt how a tear started rolling down my cheek. It hadn't been a good idea to play a song that already made me emotional itself. 

Stood on the edge

Tied to a noose

And you came along

And you cut me loose

I lost sight of time as I was playing. This was the first time in weeks that I felt like something made me really forget, made everything seem okay for a little while. A lot of time must have passed, I already noticed the sun standing pretty low on the sky and I started to shiver a bit as it was a rather cold day. I just sat there for a little watching the sun set until I grabbed my guitar and went inside. I wasn't even sure how I was feeling anymore and I didn't want to think about it, too afraid that all the pain would come over me again.

Once inside I suddenly noticed my phone that was laying on the table, I must have left it there in the morning. It showed me a missed call and a few text messages. I didn't even need to look at the caller to know it was Jonny. As soon as I had brought my guitar upstairs I called him back, already knowing it would hurt me again to hear his voice but at the same time so desperately needing to hear it.

"Hi Jonnyboy.", I said as soon as he answered my call. 

"Hi Chris! I had already been worried cause you didn't answer my call..."

"Oh I'm really sorry... I was just playing the guitar and forgot time a little bit I guess."

We chatted for a little but something didn't feel quite right. Well, nothing really felt right at the moment but I felt like with every word I was just fighting to hold back my feelings. I felt like crying. How could it possibly hurt so much just to talk to him? I just couldn't pretend I was okay  anymore and I was sure Jonny noticed too as we talked. So I suddenly stopped our normal conversation.

"Jonny?"

"What is it?"

"I-I'm sorry. I just, I don't know... I should feel better by now but... I just feel stuck..."

Jonny started to say something but I stopped him. Why had I just said that? It was stupid and I was being such a load for him, as always.

"I'm so sorry. I'm being such a burden, am I not? I'm a terrible friend. I need to deal with this on my own, it shouldn't be your problem."

I couldn't stop myself from crying. 

"What?? Please don't ever say or think that again Chris. You know that I'm there for you no matter what."

I hated myself even more cause I probably had made him feel so bad.

"But I don't deserve it...", I whispered so quietly that I wasn't sure if he had heard it.

"What did you say?"

"You should hate me."

My voice was louder now and it sounded cold, almost angry. Angry at myself for being who I was.

I could tell that I had hit Jonny with that, I could literally picture his disbelieving face.

"Ch-Chris", he stuttered.

"HATE ME! Why don't you hate me?!"

I was shocked at myself at screaming but at the same time I didn't care, my selfish emotions took over me.

I wished he would just scream that he did indeed hate me, that I was a terrible friend, that I had hurt him and should leave him alone.

Obviously hating myself wasn't enough for me, I wanted others to do it too. I wanted everyone to hate me because I deserved it and then I wouldn't have a reason to live anymore.

But of course Jonny didn't say any of that.

I could just hear him crying and sobbing for a bit.

Then, all out of a sudden, he screamed into his phone too.

"STOP IT!!", his voice sounded broken. I wasn't used to hearing him screaming.

"Just stop it, please Chris..."

I wasn't sure what to say, I didn't know myself anymore.

"I don't hate you and I will never be able to hate you. Chris... please you need to stop hating yourself, there are so many people who love you and I - I..."

Jonny's voice broke while he spoke. I could tell he wanted to say something else, but he didn't.

The last thing I heard was him whispering through tears.

"I wish I could tell you..." 

Then the beep of the phone being hung up.