Broken Dreams (Buckin)

•9•

Almost two hours later I finally put my phone down after Jonny had nearly fallen asleep while we had been talking. I hated timezones. And I hated being apart from Jonny.

But most of all I hated hiding my feelings in front of Jonny, or that my feelings for him existed at all. I had always been myself in front of Jonny, he was just the kind of person who made you feel comfortable hiding nothing in front of. But now it wasn't like that anymore, I felt like I was hiding the most important part of myself. My love to him was all that made up my thoughts recently.

Every time I talked to Jonny I felt these conflicting emotions of feeling on top of the world just by being able to talk to him, but at the same time feeling like slowly being drowned by my unrequited desire for him.

Would this ever get better? What did I even have to lose? Once you were completely on the ground you couldn't really fall any deeper, could you?

But I quitted thoughts again, I was simply too scared and the chance he would feel the same was too low.

And in fact I did have a lot to lose. Things I probably would lose if I told Jonny how I felt. Jonny, the rest of the band and anything that remained from my life as it used to be. I couldn't put all this at risk.

And for what? It's not like telling Jonny the truth would make anything better. Maybe one day my feelings would just disappear. They had to eventually, hadn't they? Maybe my feelings weren't actually real in first place. Maybe it was just my stupid and messed up mind clinging to whatever person cared most about me when everyone else seemed to hate me, and that was obviously Jonny.

Yeah, that had to be it. I was just a selfish idiot and terrible friend who only took advantage of Jonny being so nice. Nothing of this was actually real. I would just have to move on.

Move on.... I had no idea how I should do that though.

I got my phone again, opened Google and typed in "How to move on".

Twenty minutes later I had read through several pages but I didn't feel any wiser. None of the advice seemed to fit me. But well, had I expected an article saying "How to get over your male bandmate you're secretly in love with after your female ex broke up with you and made you feel even more like a loser" ?

I sighed, still completely at a loss on what to do next. 

Until eventually I decided to go back to the good old way of escaping  reality. I tried to make myself look acceptable and then started walking towards my favorite pub close me. It felt strange, actually going in front of my door after all that time of hiding in my house. I felt vulnerable, anyone could see me, what if the paparazzi were around? The last thing I wanted was them to catch me drinking, obviously without my girlfriend. 

I thought about how I had believed I had gotten over dealing with things like this, and suddenly I felt ashamed for not having gotten any better. But at least it was good getting among people again I guessed and it wasn't like I was planning on getting really drunk. 

That's at least what I had thought. 

All I remembered when waking up with a pounding headache the next morning was that obviously the alcohol really had helped me forget for a while... In my head there were pictures of me getting up on the tiny stage and singing for the amused guests... I prayed that no one had taken a video of it, but as I knew people nowadays it was probably already somewhere in the headlines. But I didn't even care about the media anymore, all I wanted was Jonny. Now that I got my sober mind back all the pain was also slowly starting to sink in again. 

But what if Jonny would hear about it? What would he think of me? Would he be disappointed, would he hate me? He should already hate me actually. But for some odd reason he didn't seem to. It would be easier if he hated me. Maybe then could get over him, but not while he kept being the kindest person on earth... While I was being the worst friend ever. But all ways I could see somehow lead into hurting him. I wished I could just disappear or never have existed, it would be better for everyone.