Broken Dreams (Buckin)

•14•

I looked up towards the sky, losing myself in my thoughts and the sheer beauty of the sea of stars. Somehow the stars always reminded me of Jonny. I remembered that one time he had showed me the different constellations. And how we had looked at them together sometimes.

You're a sky full of stars.

Had I messed it up? Would we not be friends anymore now? I couldn't lose his friendship, he was all I had. No matter if he loved me or not, there had always been some sort of connection between us. Something I didn't have with my other bandmates. But now he hated me, just because I was so egoistic and always kept loading my problems on him. Probably the real reason why I had messed it up was a different one though. The reason was that I wanted it to be more than friendship. That's why it hurt every time I talked to him, every time I looked at him.

But before losing him completely I would rather have endured that pain every time I looked at him. I didn't know how, but I had to make it okay again somehow.

I walked determinedly into the house again, searching for where I had left my phone. My hands where shaking as I picked the device up, trying to think of something to say to him, something that would make things okay somehow. I wasn't surprised by all the notifications anymore, people asking me how I was or what had happened. People who cared about me, but I left them behind. But one of the notifications caught my eye. Someone had left me a voicemail. My heart started beating faster when I noticed who it was. So he had tried to call me? How could I have missed it? And worst of all, did he hate me even more now? Probably he thought I was ignoring him on purpose. I was the worst friend one could imagine.

I was on the verge to crying again when I clicked on the button to listen to it with shaking fingers. 

"Hello Chris. It's me, Jonny."

The sound of his voice made me shiver. I felt like I hadn't heard it in a lifetime.

"I know you're probably sleeping but I couldn't wait with telling you this. First of all, I'm really sorry for not calling you the last few days, I just needed a little time to... think about things. You probably think I am a terrible friend, and I am. I should have been there for you but I wasn't, just because I thought about my own... stuff."

He almost whispered the last word. What kind of stuff was he talking about? What was going on?

"Anyway, Chris, please talk to me. I know that there is something more going on than your break-up. I'm there for you, you can tell me anything. You don't need to keep on pretending you're okay Chris, I know when something is wrong. So you can either just tell me what's going on or you'll make it harder for both of us. But I won't let you keep locking yourself up, all alone drowning in your sadness thousands of miles away from me. I can't take it being so far away from you, and especially not when I know you need me. And well, I still have the flight booked from when we planned my visit a few months ago. And I will get on that plane tomorrow, I don't care if you think it's necessary that I come or not. I just hope you still want me here..."

I could tell that at that point Jonny's originally quite determined voice was starting to shake and he was close to crying. Why would I ever not want him to be here?? He had no idea how bad I wanted him to be here. I just wouldn't have expected that Jonny would still want to visit me after all the things I had done. What should I do know? What should I tell him when he got here? I couldn't just keep on saying "I'm okay". I was anything but okay, and there was no way Jonny would buy it. Though I wished he would, then at least I could be alone with my problems and wouldn't have to bother him with them.

Could I come up with another lie, blame my sadness upon my break-up? What other option did I have?

Well, I had one option, and I knew it.

I could finally keep hiding in front of my best friend and face the truth.

Just that the truth was like a time bomb, waiting to shatter everything I had into pieces.