Broken Dreams (Buckin)

•16•

I helplessly looked around the room, not able to think of what to do now. It felt like the whole world was suddenly crashing into me, not leaving me any way to escape or cope.

I couldn't deal with the thought that Jonny might be hurt. Or even worse. I felt how I was starting to panic, my head getting dizzy and my stomach feeling sick. However I was thrown out of my panic attack with the ringing of my phone. My muscles suddenly working again I sprinted over to it.

"Hello?"

"Hi Chris."

Phil sounded as devastated as me.

"Have you heard the news about the plane crash?"

"I just saw it on the TV."

Suddenly I burst out crying, I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

"I can't lose him Phil.", I sobbed into the phone. "He can't be hurt, not Jonny."

"Shh Chris. Breathe."

I did as Phil said and started counting in my head while I took a few deep breaths in and out, like he had once taught me a long time ago.

"We don't even know if anything has happened to him yet."

Even though Phil was trying his best to keep himself together and remain calm I could tell it had hit him as hard as me. 

"What are we gonna do now Phil?"

"We need to wait until we get any information on how and where Jonny is... I talked with the other guys, we're gonna fly over here as soon as possible. We'll keep you updated."

I was quiet for a moment, still not able to process what had happened.

"I'm so scared Phil."

There were about a million more emotions and thoughts running around in my head, but I just couldn't express them. This was all too much. 

"I am too.", Phil quietly replied. "We all are."

"But we need to try to get things sorted out here now. I'll talk to you later."

Phil hung up and I felt my body sinking down into the sofa. I always thought things like that would never happen to any of us. But now Jonny was hell knows where, probably terribly hurting.... or-  I couldn't even let myself think that. I couldn't lose him. I hadn't even had the chance to tell him about my feelings for him. I couldn't lose him as a friend. I didn't think my life without him was even possible. Ever since we had met he had been what I held on to. It was him who always cheered me up when I was feeling down. It was him who I could always have fun together. It was him who always found the right riff for a song. He was almost like my other half.

This was all my fault. I had been the reason why he wanted to come here. Because I had been so stupid and egoistic to pity myself all the time, not even considering how it made him feel. If it wasn't for me he wouldn't have been on that plane. If something bad had happened to him, it was all my fault. He would deny it, but it quite obviously was. And all I could do was sit here and wait until I got any news.