Broken Dreams (Buckin)

•15•

I kept turning around the same thought in my mind again and again, outweighing the possible consequences. I didn't know where I even had my sudden confidence from to even consider doing this. Or maybe hiding in here for so long had made me lose my mind and I couldn't see clearly what I was risking. 

For whatever reason, something inside me was determined to tell Jonny the truth once he had arrived here. I had imagined this moment a million times in my head before, but somehow it had always just seemed like some delusional fantasy, nothing I would actually do one day.

Maybe I was just so desperate that I felt like I had nothing to lose anymore. I couldn't go back to my normal life with the band anyway. I was too much of a mess for that. So all I really had to lose was Jonny, and I felt like I was on my way towards losing him already. 

Still, just the idea of saying those words out loud made my stomach twist. I wasn't quite sure if I wouldn't just faint before I could even attempt to tell him. Or probably I would be too afraid to actually do this once I saw him in person, once I was looking into his perfect green eyes.

For the millionth time I played the scene in my head. I imagined him coming in through my door, I imagined his scent that I missed so much. How would he react? Would he run away, would he scream at me? Would he hate me? I got a lump in my throat. Was I selfish for doing this? I might destroy everything for him and the band. It would be better if things just stayed the way they were. But I couldn't turn back now because I knew this was my only way to ever get better. Even if he would hate me, then at least I could move on, start a new life maybe.

I decided to try to catch at least a few hours of sleep before Jonny would arrive tomorrow morning. I didn't want to scare him away with my sole appearance. I plugged in my headphones, hoping some music would help me stop my racing mind. I felt awfully tired, yet somehow it was so hard to let my mind drift away into sleep.

***

I turned around in my bed after I had been awakened by the first rays of sunshine. My heart had started beating faster from the second I remembered what day it was today. But I couldn't let myself think all of this through over and over again, it would only make everything worse.

So I grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down on the sofa, turning on the TV. I wasn't really the biggest fan of watching TV, especially not in the morning, but if it could distract me a little it would do its purpose I guessed. I switched through the channels, there was nothing really interesting obviously. So I stopped at some news channel.

I was walking  towards the kitchen to prepare myself a slice of toast when something the news reporter said suddenly caught my attention. Obviously what they had been talking about before got interrupted by some breaking news. I arrived in front of the TV to see pictures of a terrible accident. 

"We don't have exact information yet but obviously there are several dead and injured people..."

Why do terrible things like this have to keep happening?, I thought to myself.

"The plane of flight HJ2499 from London to Los Angeles crashed minutes ago..."

Suddenly something hit me. 

Jonny was flying from London to Los Angeles. And his plane should have arrived in less than half an hour.

My body was unable to react. I just gazed at the TV, not really seeing the pictures anymore or hearing what the news reporter was saying. I kind of noticed my plate and cup falling down on the floor, shattering into pieces and spilling hot coffee on my feet. But it didn't matter, all I could do was stare, paralyzed in shock. 

Jonny couldn't be hurt, not him. No No No.