Broken Dreams (Buckin)

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I hadn't really talked to Jonny in two days. I missed him so much, but I didn't quite dare to call him. Something told me that he didn't want to talk to me. He had always called me before. Every single day.

What had I done wrong? Sure, I hadn't been quite nice at the end of our last call but I knew Jonny, and that was nothing that would make him not want to talk to me. He was always forgiving and understanding. So what was the matter now?

It was all my fault. I hated myself for treating him so bad and having been so selfish. I always only cared about my problems, and I was being nothing but a load to everyone. It would be best for all if I just disappeared. Finally let them live their lives, without having to think about me. 

I felt a wave of nausea spreading in my stomach. I didn't know what to do or where to go anymore. I tried to search my mind for things I was still certain of but I didn't seem to have anything left. Everything was just a huge mess, the kind that didn't seem to have any solution to it. I took my pillow and punched into it several times, I had learned from that one time I had punched a wall and ended up with a bleeding fist. But it didn't seem to make things any better, my rage just seem to get even worse, causing the pain in my head to pound intensely.

I didn't even notice I was crying until I felt a thick tear dropping down my chin. I didn't remember ever having cried as much as I did the last few weeks all my life. I hated myself for not being able to move on, for letting things get to me so hard, for being in love with Jonny but at the same time destroying his life. I hated myself for pretty much everything, for being who I was. 

I just wanted to get out of here, start a new life. Get over all that shit that has happened. But I couldn't find a way to do so. 

Not able to suppress the urge to scream anymore I buried my face in the pillow I had punched earlier and let it all out. I screamed through the hot tears, and through my pounding headache. I screamed like I had never done before, knowing no one would ever hear me or care enough to come and save me. 

When I was done screaming I took the wet pillow and fired it against the wall. My whole body seemed to hurt and probably my voice would be gone the next day. Stumbling into the bathroom I turned on the water and watched it stream into the sink for a while, taking in the steadily rushing sound. It was so quiet suddenly that it was all noise I could hear. My nerves seemed to calm down a little as I concentrated on the soft sound. Eventually I splashed some of the water into my face, trying to stop my racing mind with the shock of the coldness. I needed more. I turned the water off again and took a quick look at myself in the mirror.

God, I looked really awful. If anyone saw me like that they would probably get scared and worried. All I felt though was self-loathing because I had let things come that far.

Anyway I didn't waste any more thoughts at my terrifying reflection and instead ran out of my house, towards my usual lonely spot at the sea. The beach there wasn't what most people were looking for, quite small and not too pretty, making it perfect for me to be all on my own. And all I cared about anyway was the water. The soothing, relieving water. I kept running, the cold sea already reaching my waist. Ignoring the burning pain I suddenly felt in my foot as I stepped into some shark object I got deeper into the sea until I finally couldn't stand anymore. 

My heart was beating vehemently in my chest, seemingly echoing in my head and ears. Waves started to roll over me, sweeping salty water all over my head and into my face every few seconds. I stayed still with my head just above the surface for a little while, taking in the prickling sensation the cold water was bringing all over my body. Then I dived into the dark see, first dipping my head into the waves, followed by the rest of my body. I didn't know what I was doing, I just kept getting deeper into it. With the rising pressure of the water and its coldness my mind finally seemed to slow down a little and I could stop thinking about my problems, even if it was just for a few seconds. As I was deep enough into it I turned my body around so I was facing the surface of the water. I bashed my eyes open even though they burned with the salty water getting into them. Everything was quiet, perfectly peaceful. I loved the way tiny rays of sunshines were making their ways into the sea, making everything look a little surreal. Like it was a different world here in the deep, a beautiful world where all my problems didn't exist. I wanted to stay here forever.

But obviously my lungs were telling me otherwise. I couldn't resist the intense clenching pain in my chest that you got when you stayed too long without air much longer. I so badly wanted to keep myself down here, I didn't even care anymore. Here I was in peace.

But my body reflexes were to strong, driving me towards the top again.

A few seconds later I felt my head being surrounded by air again, my lungs automatically forcing me to breathe and cough. The waves around me didn't make it much better as they were sweeping salty water into my open mouth while I was trying to catch my breath. Eventually I managed to keep myself upright, halfway save from the waves. My chest was still rising and falling way too fast and my whole body was shaking with the cold. I was feeling awful as I tried to gather my breath but at the same time I finally felt alive again. The struggling of my lungs and my cold skin felt so good in a strange way. I needed that rush of adrenaline to finally feel something other than pain again. 

But as soon as I was safely back at the coast my thoughts were surrounding one single thing again: Jonny.