Broken Dreams (Buckin)

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I'm pretty sure the flight from LA had never stretched that awfully long. I couldn't close my eyes for a single minute obviously, and every time I looked on my watch only 10 minutes had passed.

But eventually the screen in between of the two rows of seats showed that we would soon arrive in Heathrow airport. My excitement and anxiety rose to the point where I could barely take it anymore. My head was spinning with a million thoughts at the same time, causing me to space out so much that I obviously didn't notice a single thing that was going on around me anymore.

"Sir?!"

The hand of a blonde woman who I soon recognised as plane personeel woke me from my state of trance.

"Yes?", I replied after almost jumping in shock.

"Are you alright? You look very on unwell Sir."

"Umm sure, no need to worry.", I uttered trying to calm down.
"Thanks for the concern though."

"Okay...", the lady replied, sightly unconvinced. "Well if you need any help I'll be right here, just call for me."

I thanked the kind woman once again and sunk back into my own thoughts.

By now I had come up with some sort of plan. Not like I could really plan anything of what was going to happen the moment I showed up at Jonny's door but I had still tried to think every possible situation through.

By the time I could be at Jonny's door it would be evening. At first I had wanted to take him out to his favourite restaurant but even though it was a quite private place I knew it would still not be private enough for our shy guitarist to have that sort of talk. So I decided I would just ask him if I could come and talk it through over a cup of tea.

I even had a plan for the case he would not be at his house. I knew the guys were set to do some recording at The Bakery tomorrow and Jonny was always early so I would just meet him there instead.

Theoretically nothing could go wrong, but I knew things always had their way of turning out completely different from how you expected them to go.

Half an hour later we were safely back on the ground again, finally giving me some distraction.

I picked up my luggage as fast as possible and jumped into the next cab I could get.

My heart was beating so fast, I thought it was gonna burst. Was I just really doing this?? After all those years of pain and denial, would I finally admit my love to him? What if my voice and mind would just give up on me and I wouldn't be able to say a single word?

The drive from the airport to my little Camden flat I had still rented for when I was here was over way faster than I was comfortable with.

I walked up the stairs with my bag under the arm and unlocked the door. I hadn't been here in quite a while but everything still seemed very much familiar. London would always be my first home, it was where I was coming from, where everything had started for the band.

I opened my bag and put some of the few clothes I had brought onto my bed, pretending I first had to get some stuff done before I could go over to Jonny. I didn't really have to of course, but I would have done anything just to push my visit a little further. Because the truth was, I wasn't ready to do this. Like, at all. And I came so close to quitting it all again. There was just too much that could go wrong. I could fuck not only my entire life but also those of all of my bandmates up with this. But in the end, I knew would never really be ready for this. Sometimes you just had to dive into the water and hope you would swim, because if you never tried you never knew. You never knew all the amazing things that could happen once you learned to swim.

So I took a quick look in the mirror, gathered all my courage and pushed down the knob of my door.