Broken Dreams (Buckin)

•31•

"Chris?!"

I shot my head up, suddenly awakened by the shouts that slowly started to get clearer in my ears. I recognized the person as Jonny through my drowsy eyes. Why was he here? How did he even find me? And why?

"What the hell are you doing here? And what-"

Jonny picked up the empty bottle I had obviously left standing next to the park bench, which I had obviously fallen asleep on. Not like I really remembered anything. 

"Did you drink all of that??"

I sighed without responding, still too tired and drunk.

"Chris please talk to me. What's going on?"

"Don't worry about me, I'm alright, I just.. made a stupid mistake.", I managed to bring out.

"Chris, don't lie to me. You flew over to London without telling anyone a word, including the people from the TV show you were supposed to appear on. You ran out of a pub without explaining anything. And now I find you on some park bench, in the middle of the night, drunk on a whole bottle of liquor and god knows what else?? Don't you go telling me you're alright, because it's more than obvious you aren't."

"Okay maybe I'm not. But so what?? What do you even care?!"

I could feel myself getting loud. I had no idea why I had just said those words. Jonny clearly didn't deserve it. But in that moment I was angry at him, I was angry at myself, I was angry at the universe for making everything so hard, for making me fall in love with someone I could never have. 

"What- what do you mean?"

Jonny sounded really hurt. And I instantly felt guilty and like a horrible person. Which I was.

"Can you please just explain me what's going on? Why did you even run out of that pub? I was just talking to Brianna and-"

Oh shit.

"Wait you mean the Brianna?"

"Yes, the Brianna I told you about, the Brianna we thought about working on our album art with."

Fuck. I was such a damn fucking idiot.

"Who did you think she was? My girlfriend?", Jonny laughed ironically. But when I remained silent he realized that that indeed was what I had thought.

"Wait you actually thought I was going out with her?"

I looked down sheepishly.

"I wasn't Chris! You know you'd be the first to know if I was!"

"And other than that, I'm in love with someone else anyway..", he added quietly and instantly seemed to regret it. 

And the words cut through my chest like a knife. Just when I thought maybe I had tiny chance all my hopes were crashed once again.

I tried to not let my pain show though and smiled anyway.

"Who is it? Someone I know?"

"It doesn't matter. I should get over it anyway."

"Come on, let's get you back home. You must be freezing.", he suggested quite obviously avoiding the subject. 

But I was too tired and drunk to fight to get something out of him so I decided to try to sort things out tomorrow with a clear mind instead. I still had to find an explanation for suddenly showing up here. I had to figure out what to do with my life now. How to move on. Basically I had a whole mess to clean up, one that I didn't know if I could or even wanted to clean up. Because right now I honestly just wanted to give up on everything. And most of all I wanted to just not think, about nothing. Not this mess, and not all the mistakes I had made and not my feelings for Jonny. So for now I just let Jon lead me into his car, keeping me from falling down with his arm around my waist. Because somehow his touch was enough for me to pretend things were alright, at least for this minute, even though I didn't think they had ever been further from that.