Broken Dreams (Buckin)

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A/N: I feel like I owe you guys an excuse for just leaving and not updating in forever. If you know me on Instagram or Twitter you probably know that I've not been too active on there either. I've been kinda busy with starting Uni but tbh I'm mostly just too depressed to really care about anything so I'm sorry but I can't promise you to be updating much in the future either. I gotta try to focus on sorting my life out somehow first rather than social media. Anyway, I'll try my best to update at least sometimes and finish this story. I hope you guys can understand and enjoy this chapter, love you all<3

I finished my cup of tea and went through the whole thing in my head again. How many times had I done that in the last few days? I kept changing my mind but I was pretty sure now that this was the right thing to do. How could I even have been that stupid? I was supposed to be a responsible adult and this wasn't some sort of movie, with a guaranteed happy end where the people you wanted to get together from the beginning ended up being a couple and lived happily ever after. 

This was real life, things just didn't always go the way you wanted them to and I guess I had to live with it. Hearing Jonny say that he was in love with someone else gave me at least a little closure and a clearer mind. I would have to get over him somehow. And though I had no idea how to do that, making myself irrational hopes over and over again certainly wasn't the way. 

I placed my plate and my mug in the kitchen sink, too lazy and nervous to clean up.

Would Jonny buy it? Admittedly, my excuse for why I had come here didn't sound too realistic but maybe if I played it right it would be enough to convince Jon or at least make him not ask any further questions. 

I had messed up real bad, and now I had to try to at least keep the damage minimal. I knew I was in trouble for the missed appearance judging by the rising numbers of missed calls from publicity and band management, but I couldn't also mess things up for my bandmates by telling the truth. That was way way too risky and it was time I started thinking rationally again.

Lying would have to do this time.

Ready to get it over with I opened the door, hopped down the two steps in front of my flat and-

"Chris?!" - "Jonny?!"

We both exclaimed at the same time after we had bumped our heads into each other.

The two of us giggled and stared into each other's eyes until I dared to break the weird silence.

"What are you doing here?"

"Umm- I was just about to go see you.", Jonny replied. "And you?"

"Well, this is my house.", I laughed as it obviously wasn't too rare to see me a few meters in front of my own door. "But I was about to visit you as well actually. Shall we just go into my house? I can make us some tea."

"That sounds nice."

Jonny seemed really nervous. He bit his nail, a bad habit he had already gotten rid of but I sometimes still catched him doing.

"Soo I guess I have to explain you some things..", I started after we had sat down on my sofa. I hated lying to him but this was best for everyone.

"Wait Chris. There's some things I want to tell you first."

Jonny took me by surprise, it wasn't like him at all to take the lead like that.

"If you don't mind of course."

I shaked my head.

"Well..."

Whatever he had to say seemed to be really hard for him. But eventually he took a deep breath and the words just seemed to flow out of him.

"I don't know why you decided to come to London Chris. But I'm glad that you're here now, because well, I think I realized some things yesterday. Seeing you like that just... hurt so much. I can't take not knowing what's wrong with you or how to help you. And I- I can't take being apart from you Chris. I guess my accident really made me realize some things. I was so lucky, I could be dead right now. Life's so fragile, and so short. And I just really don't wanna spend it wondering What If, what if I hadn't been too shy all my life to say the things I really meant and felt. Until yesterday I was pretty sure I would just suck it up and keep it inside like everything else. And I'm so incredibly sorry if I'm destroying everything with this, because I really don't want to lose you as a friend. I don't expect you to feel the same way or something, but I finally need to say it out loud after all these years. The person I told you about yesterday... it- it's you Chris. I... I'm in love with you."

I think every sort of hormone my body could produce ran through my veins at that moment. It felt like something had burst inside of me, because this just couldn't be true. These words couldn't possibly be coming out of his mouth right now. He couldn't possibly feel the same way.

But this was really Jonny sitting here next to me, and it wasn't some sort of dream. I reassured myself by pressing my nails into my fist. Clearly not dreaming.

Jonny covered his face that was red like a tomato in his hands. 

"I- I'm sorry Chris.", he stuttered.

I didn't know what to say or how to even produce a sound because my mind was still too busy trying to somehow process what had just happened. 

But instead I just completely gave in to what I had wanted to do for so long now and put my hands around Jonny's face which was covered in tears now. He looked at me very confusedly.

But before he could say anything I pressed my lips against his and after a few seconds he just completely let himself sink in to my kiss. I had never felt passion like that before. It was like we were becoming one, like magnets that had been kept from sticking together for too long but finally the force had become too strong.

I thought this would never end, and to be honest I could have spent the rest of my life kissing Jonny, but we had to breathe eventually. 

"I feel the same Jonnyboy."

There were a million other things I wanted to say, and still had to explain, but that could wait.

Right now all I wanted to do was kiss Jonny, and that didn't need any explanation because our connection was undeniable.