Broken Dreams (Buckin)

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A few minutes later I had arrived in front of Jonny's door. My mind was overworking itself again, trying to rehearse what I was gonna say to Jon while thinking of the million things that could go wrong. Should I maybe have brought a little gift? Some flowers? No, you didn't bring your best friend flowers did you? But that's the entire point I was trying to make, that he was more than that to me.

He would probably think I'm insane anyway, just showing up here a month earlier than I was supposed to and for what? To tell him I was in love with him, my bandmate and best friend? My straight best friend? Well, maybe that didn't mean anything, I had thought I was straight before Jonny as well. But Jon was something different. I was pretty sure he could make even the most hetero guy fall for him. Those eyes.. And his cute smile.. And the way he got lost in playing his instrument...

I had to stop myself from daydreaming eventually and remind myself what I was doing here, or else I would have spent the rest of the night standing here like an idiot.

I took a deep breath in, my body slightly shivering. I wasn't used to the fresh London evenings anymore. With shaking hands I reached for the door bell, letting my hand hover above the button for a while before finally pressing it down. I listened to the ringing echo through Jonny's house as I stood paralysed waiting for him to open the door. Now I could still run away and he probably wouldn't notice, it could just be some children ringing and running away for fun. But my body was too frozen to even make a move.

After waiting for what felt like an eternity I pressed down the door bell again. And again. No answer.

Shit. He wasn't home.

I should have guessed it, after all he probably had better things to do with his night than spend it at home. But my mind had been so fixated on that situation playing out like I had expected it, with me surprising Jon at his door, that I had pushed any other possibility aside. I told myself that it was alright, I could just talk to him tomorrow, but I couldn't help being disappointed. I had finally been ready to get it over with, who knew how things would look tomorrow with a night of sleep to gain some sanity?

I knew I should just have gone home, gotten some rest, thought everything through. But I needed a break from all this, all the thoughts in my head were making me crazy.

So I walked to the pub a few blocks away where I had used to go a few years ago when things were getting too much for me. A bad habit I had quit a long time ago. But little did I expect that my visit wouldn't last long anyway.

As soon as I entered the gloomy room that smelled slightly of food and alcoholic drinks I noticed a familiar person sitting at a table for two at the right hand corner of the pub. I didn't need to see more than his back and hat to tell who it was. And he wasn't alone. Opposite of him was sitting a pretty blonde girl, probably a few years younger than him. She was looking at me as I stood paralysed for a few seconds staring them. Then I quickly turned around to leave the pub, at least Jonny hadn't yet noticed me. But it was too late. Just when I was about to turn around he turned his head as well and stared me straight into the eyes.

Shit shit shit.

I averted my gaze and started running. He was shouting something after me but I didn't care. I had to get away from here.

I was already far away from the pub but I kept running and running, tears now rolling down my cheeks, making my face feel frozen in the cold wind. I ran on and on and on, passing by houses and streets and people but not really seeing anything but blurred lights through my teary eyes. I felt like I was getting faster by the mile, but it still wasn't enough to drown out the pain. Eventually I arrived at some gas station and got inside, picking up a bottle of cheap liquor. Pouring the burning liquid down my throat, protected by the darkness of the night, finally gave me some relief.