Broken Dreams (Buckin)

•28•

I couldn't stop turning that one thought around in my head. I knew it was completely crazy and there were a million reasons I shouldn't do it. I could tell this was one of those decisions I might regret for the rest of my life, no matter what choice I made. Rationally thinking I couldn't do this, I couldn't just quit all of my responsibilities. This was the sort of thing people in movies did, but not actual real life persons.

Maybe I was just losing my mind because I was missing Jonny so much? Of course I hadn't expected it to be easy to be away from him but I would never have thought it'd be this hard. It's like the dream I had the night Jon had left just made everything a lot worse. After his accident I had pushed the part of me that was in love with him as far to the back of my mind as possible, I was just grateful he was alive. But now I just couldn't get out of my head how hard I wanted to be with him, in a romantic way. I found myself imagining the way his lips would taste on mine every single day, not to mention the thought of his perfect body. I knew I was only hurting myself with these fantasies because they would never become reality, yet I completely gave up on tying to hold them back.

Things couldn't go on like this. So I decided to do the probably craziest and most irresponsible thing I've done in my entire life.

Two hours later I found myself staring at the large screen with people rushing all around me. I was totally paralyzed, everything just felt completely unreal. I couldn't really think in a normal way anymore but at the same time my mind was buzzing with a million thoughts. It really did feel like a movie, I could almost see the camera focusing on me standing here in front of the display with the departures while everyone in the large airport hall was passing me by in a hurry, completely unaware of the fact that this was one of the most important moments of my life. 

I told myself I knew what I was risking but I couldn't really let myself think all possibilities through or I would have turned right around again and quit the whole thing. I couldn't even begin to imagine the consequences only of quitting the TV show appearance I had been set to do tonight, not to mention what would happen once I arrived in London. I hadn't yet dared to look on my phone again after I had sent that message that I wouldn't come. Probably I was in a lot of trouble already. For a second I had considered just leaving tomorrow instead but I knew if I wouldn't do it now I'd never do it.

A few minutes later I had figured out that the next flight to London would leave in about three hours and I started walking to the counter where I could get tickets. I couldn't really feel my legs moving or my mouth talking anymore, it felt like I wasn't controlling my own body. Things just kept happening, it was all too surreal and crazy for me to process that I was really doing this. Luckily they still had a few tickets left and an hour later I was nervously sitting at the gate for my flight, waiting until I could finally get on the plane. Even though I could hardly follow one train of thought longer than a minute I tired improving my plan which so far only consisted of getting to the airport, catching the next flight to London and showing up at Jonny's door. I wouldn't tell anyone, not only did I know they'd think I'm completely crazy, I also wanted it to be a surprise. 

But what would I say to Jonny? How could I possibly explain this? And what if he wasn't home at all, or busy? I never even considered that situation, in my mind it was just me showing up at his door and him opening it up, unable to believe I was actually there. Just like it had been in my dream, only the other way around. But what was the worst of all, what would I do if he thought I was crazy or disgusting or didn't want to be my friend anymore? Or want me to leave the band? What if I was making the biggest mistake of my life? I could maybe deal with being rejected by him, I'd be able to accept that he doesn't love me in the same way as I do. But there was no way I could live without having him as my friend. But I knew very well that there were some things you just couldn't reverse, maybe our relationship would be forever damaged. 

I couldn't handle all these possibilities anymore. Maybe I should quit the whole thing? Wait until I saw him again and then decide if I should tell him? I could probably still return the plane tickets, and even if I couldn't it didn't matter. So I picked up my luggage, which didn't consist of much more than a large backpack, and started to walk away from where a few other passengers of the flight had already started to get on the plane. 

But then I almost ran into a young couple, both of them looking very excited and holding onto each other's hands. And I thought of something I had realized a few years ago. There was always a risk. A risk you might be making the worst decision of your life. A risk you might get hurt terribly. A risk you could never go back to the way things were before. But if you never dare to take a risk, you never follow your dreams. You never love. You never live. 

So I turned around again and walked towards the queue for the plane. I wouldn't quit, not this time. Yes, maybe Jonny would hate me after what I was about to do. But maybe, as small as the chance might be, he loved me too. And there was only one way to find out.