Broken Dreams (Buckin)

•7•

It was not even a second until he answered the phone, even though it was probably late over there in England.

"Chris! Oh my god."

He sounded devastated and relieved at the same time. I wanted to cry but I had to hold myself back for at least some time.

"Jonny.", I whispered.

"Please don't ever do that to me again Chris. I was so worried. I thought maybe something bad had happened to you..."

I could tell by the sound in his voice that he had started to cry.

"Don't worry, I'm okay. Well, kind of..."

"What has happened? You need to tell me everything."

Oh how I wished I could tell him everything. But I guessed it was a good idea to start with my break-up.

"So ummm... You know that morning when I called you?"

"Yeah I remember."

"The day before I had a fight with Jane. Well actually it was just me being a selfish idiot. And then she ran away and got drunk. And the next morning after you called me..."

I waited a few seconds cause I wasn't quite ready to say it out loud yet. A quiet sob escaped my mouth when I tried to speak up again.

"She... she broke up with me."

I couldn't hold the tears back anymore now, I felt my face getting wet as I let it all out.

"Oh my god Chris. I'm so sorry."

Jonny sounded like it hurt him almost as much as it hurt me. That's why I hated telling him when I felt bad, it just made him feel bad to. And I didn't want him to feel bad.

"I kind of expected this you know. We didn't really have a happy relationship anymore. But I could still deny that it was completely over. That I had failed again."

I took a short break from speaking to try to breathe through my crying.

"I'm such a fail Jonny. I never do anything right. All I do is hurt people! You should hate me!! I don't deserve you, all I do is make things worse."

Suddenly I got shocked at myself for shouting at Jonny. I heard him crying through the phone. I had made my Jonnyboy cry. God, I really was an awful person.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry Jonny. I didn't mean to shout at you. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve a terrible friend like me."

"Chris...", Jonny sobbed. "Please don't ever say or think something like this again. You know I love you" - my heart skipped a beat at him saying those words. Even though I knew he obviously didn't mean them that way. - "You're my best friend. You're an amazing friend. You're always there for me. It's not your fault. Nothing of this. You're allowed to feel broken. Everyone feels like that after a breakup. But it will get better again I promise. Oh how I wish I could be with you right now..."

I was still crying, but only quietly now. I wasn't even sure I was crying anymore. I felt bad about my breakup but at the same time I realized how freaking much I loved Jonny. My heart beat faster just by talking to him. When had I become that bad? Or had I always been like that towards him and never noticed?

"I wish so much I could come to you as well... I miss you so much Jonny, and I feel so alone.", I admitted.

"You're not alone Chris. I'm always here for you, we all are. Maybe not physically right now, but you can always call me. I don't even care if it's in the middle of the night. And remember, it's just two weeks until I will come visit you!"

My face instantly lit up a little. I had totally forgotten about him coming for a visit soon over all the negative emotions.

"Thank you so much Jonny. I really don't know what I would do without you."

"Me neither Chris. Please don't ever forget that I'm always there, you can tell me anything."

Oh how I wished I could. I wanted to tell him so bad that I was in love with him but there was just no way I could do that. He wouldn't understand it, probably he would think I'm weird... And then end up hating me. I couldn't take that risk, I'd rather life with Jonny as just a friend than without him.

"Thank you Jonnyboy. You're amazing.", I whispered. 

We talked a little longer about that new guitar riff he had written and how Guy had gotten drunk the other night. If someone had told me this morning that I would be able to laugh again I wouldn't have believed them but well, Jonny managed to make me laugh and forget about all that shit. 

Tonight was the first night since my breakup that I didn't go to bed feeling completely devastated.