This boy cries

no escape

This boy cries chapter 5

No one should have that much pow- "BEN YOUR GOING TO BE LATE!" she shouted as i took of my ear phones and jessica came out her room."where you going?" she asked."appointment" i replyed as she nodded. It alwase shocked me that she didn't ask more questions but i just shrugged it off as ever.

It was just another meds review. Again. I got fed up of them if i was honest. "Do i have to go" i moand."you know the awnser" dave replyed as i sighed tippjng my head back.

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"So how has the meds been working" the docter asked as i surgged. "I've not realy seen an improvment but things defently havnt got worse" madline told him."thats good...have you cut or purged since the new meds. "No" i said truthly. "Not even with starting school or with your mum- "SHES NOT MY MUM SO FUCK OF" i snapped suddenly as i walked out.

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"You've cut havnt you" she said as i nodded. They had given me some space till she came out. I was sat aginst the wall emotionless. Id got a few weird looks but id juat given them a death stair and they had moved.

"When" she asked

"When i foumd out she was out of prison" i replyed though gritted teeth with my hands clenched.

"Did you do anythimg else or any other time?" she asked.

"I purged. But i havnt done anything appart from that time, since the argument i had with my old support worker" i told her.

"Ben thats 3 months clean appart from that. I am so proud of you. I realy am" i awnserd as we hugged. I was still emotionless. I hated talking. I hated lying. But i did it everyday.every single day i pretended i was ok. But even when i was happier, my face didnt have the same glow, my smile would be forced, my eyes wouldnt have the same twinkle. I didnt know id ever be the same again. Ever. But i knew i couldnt stay like this. I didn't want to.

I slowly got up and made my way back in. "Im sorry" i mutterd not lookin up. "Its fine. When's that last time you purged or cut?" the docted

asked. "W.when i heard she was out of jail" i replyed. "Can we see" he asked as i roled up my sleave. "What with?" he questioned. "Sizors"i mumbled. "There not to deep, but were keep an eye on them as they seam to of opend some of ypur deeper ones" he said as i nodded.

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"I dont need more meds" i sighed getting in the car. "Its just because there workig they want them to work more" dave replyed as i sighed."its stupid" i awnserd sharply putting my earphones in.

I just tryed to ignore the whole world. But the problem is however loud and meaningful the music is, you cant escape the world in your head. The real worled yes. But not the one in your head. The one full of pain even more then whats arround you. Full of the memborys and all the bad stuff.

I got out the car and stormed up stairs. I got out my drawing pad starting to draw. It helped. Gettig all my feelings out on paper. But i can never find the right coulors. A dark enough red to show all the biult up amger, a deep and cold enough blue to show the  loneliness. Or a purple that showed how scaird i was. How scaird i was of hope. 6 months id been here. My fresh start. And i had pinned evrything on it. Yes i was gtting better but that scaired me. The better was, the further i had to fall.

I was drawing for some houers when i got called down for lunch.i sat at the table pushing my food around the plait. Once jessica had eaten and left madaline came up to me. "I know your upset but just try and eat yer" she told me as i sighed. "I cant" ireplyed pushing it away. "How about something else? she asked as i shook me head. "Just try and finish it off for tea yer" she said as i nodded walking off into the living room.

"What you watching?" i asked jessica. "Im a celeb" she aenserd. "Yay that time already" i said sarcastically. "Well arnt you the funny one!" she exclaimed as i sighed. "Jockong" she replyed as i nodded and everything became tence so i left. I alwase did that. Rewiend the atmosphere. Rewiend everything. alwase.