Walking in a Bad Idea

Chapter 12

May 21, 2016 - Saturday

Gabi na, wala pa ding reply or seen.

Binuksan ko speaker at cinonnect sa tablet Pinindot ko na YouTube, at tinype sa search box ang Proof ng Paramore. Tinry ko uli basahin yung lyrics to reassure me. Ito yung kantang binigay sakin ni July para magtiwala sa kanya.

Humiga ako sa kama, habang nakikinig lang sa musika.

Maybe he won't return anymore. 

Di mo na ba ako rereplyan? Nag-sawa ka na ba? Totoo bang pumunta ka kay aports? Tama ba yung pagkaka-intindi ko  sa "heaven"? Am I that boring dahil walang "ganon"? 

I'm only 15, I can't do "those" things. I just can't. Wala din sa isip ko to "those" things. It's not even appropriate for me to do "those" things. And like... hindi ba dapat after marriage ko sya gawin? Am I boring if hindi ko sya gustong gawin ng hindi pa kinakasal? I mean... I want to give "that" for the first time sa taong makakasama ko habang buhay. I do date to marry, "boyfriends" are sacred for me. I want my first boyfriend to be my last. 

Habang nakikinig ako ng music, I started feeling down, and little. I remember how people nung Grade 8 would tell me that I'm weird. And kung paano ako pinandidirihan that time, parang napaka pangit ko, napaka kadiri kong tao, para akong may sakit na nakakahawa. Kahit sa mga groupings, walang gustong maging groupmate ko, and lagi ako yung naiiwan pag namimili ng group. Minsan pag nakaka-grupo ko pa sila pag random or draw lots, they "react" or "laugh at each other" pag may naka-groupmate akong isa sa kanila. Then I remember how they would isolate me, make fun of my appearance or how I talk, and belittle my whole being just because I'm "weird", just because I don't do "cool things", just because I don't like doing "bad things."  

Weird ba talaga ako? Pangit? Kadiri?

I'm so scared of losing July. He was the first person who validated me, who saw me, who liked me as I am, and who loved me. 

Gusto kong mabasa nya, at gusto ko malaman nya nararamdan ko, but I'm scared na he'll find me annoying or weird if mag-message ako sa kanya, or i-flood ko sya, when nag-message na ako sa kanya kahapon and di nya ko sineen or nireplyan.

Hoping that he'll see it, nag-tweet ako ng mga lyrics na gusto kong iparating sa kanya. Just manifesting na makita nya yon, kahit isang tweet ko lang.

I wanted him to know my real feelings. That he can message me, and go back to me anytime. I'm open arms.

@autuuumn tweeted:
Above all that, I still love you.

Makalipas ang ilang minuto, chineck ko uli profile ni July sa twitter. Baka may update na sa kanya.

@Juuuuuly tweeted:
Do you want to know?

Para sakin ba 'to? Or lyrics lang din ito?

@Juuuuuly tweeted:
Type "x"

Bahala na.

@autuuumn tweeted:
"x"

@Juuuuuly tweeted:
Chat me

@autuuumn tweeted:
Ikaw mag-chat

@Juuuuuly tweeted:
Mataas pride ko bebe. Mukhang ayaw mo naman malaman, edi sige.

@autuuumn tweeted:
Yes, I want to.

@Juuuuuly tweeted:
Ayun naman pala eh, ayusin mo kasi.

May 14, Saturday

Autumn: Hoy

Julian: HAHAHAHAHA
Hindi kita maintindihan.
Pano mo pa nakakayanang gawin lahat ng 'to pagkatapos ng pinag gagawa ko?