Broken Beyond Repair

Chapter Nineteen

~:Chapter Nineteen:~

The next day I told myself it was time. I acted fine for the most part, coming out of my room, interacting and laughing with Josh. Because I knew it would be my last day on earth.

I texted Niall telling him I wanted to hang out with him and the rest of the boys despite the circumstances. He agreed and I came to their flat.

"Hey guys," I smiled in the most convincing way. Well it was a true smile, I was excited for my fate at the end of the day.

Harry wasn't there as expected. Probably hiding out in his room. Shielding himself from the world, just as I've done these past years.

I gave them all a hug much to their surprise.

"Hey little bird," Louis called ruffling my hair. He started calling me that after I said my favorite animal was a bird. The story behind that was because they were so free. They could go wherever they please, no worries at all.

"Hey Louis," I cuddled sisterly into his shoulder. After a day of bonding people become close.

"How've you been?" He asks as we sit down on the sofa.

"Great. I've been great." Actually, I've been planning my death so yeah I guess things have been great.

"That's good," Louis said awkwardly.

"Harry hasn't been too good, he won't talk or come out of his room. Do you have any clue why? You've seen him more than we have lately." He asked.

I shrugged, trying not to show my worry too much.

It's all because of me. I want to say, but I don't. "I'm not sure, whatever it is I'm sure it'll pass." I say instead sounding colder than I hoped.

Louis raises an eyebrow at me, and I cower into the couch. Why was I acting like this?

"I- can I see him?" I ask, and mentally slap myself. Harry made it clear he didn't want to see me after I pushed him away too far.

"Of course," Louis says but Niall leads me the way to Harrys room.

The door is open just a crack, not enough for me to see anything though. Niall nods at me encouragingly, and I inhale deeply.

I softly knock on the door and when I don't hear a reply I open the door lightly.

"Go away Niall," Harry orders tiredly but with a strong firmness in his voice that I flinch.

"Harry," I say calmly and I see him flinch at the sound of my voice and for a while he doesn't say anything.

"Harry," I repeat.

"What?" He spits, he's not facing me. He's sitting on his bed, facing the wall.

I swallow hard trying to ignore the throbbing pain in my chest.

"I came to say goodbye." I say, and this time he turns, alarmed.

"What do you mean goodbye?" He asks frantically, probably thinking that I would end it. Or possibly that's just the thing I'd be thinking any moment like this.

"When you left, I didn't get to say goodbye. After this I'll leave and I won't bother you anymore, okay? I might go back to an institution and hope I'm better. You motivated me Harry, I had to do this myself," I said. But most of it was lies.

No way in hell was I going to the institute, I just had to make an excuse as to why Harry and I won't speak for a very long long time.

"Oh." He swallowed hard. But an unreadable expression came on his face. "I hope you get better, Joyce."

I smiled, "I hope so too Harry." I approached him and give him a long hug.

"Thank you for loving me when no one else did Harry," I said, "I'm truly grateful. And I hope you find someone who you can laugh with, someone who will love you, someone who could even love their self, I hope you find someone who makes you happy, because that's all you need Harry."

I heard him sniffle, this was it. This was the last time I would hear his voice, the last time I'd see him.

I gave him a wrinkled piece of paper. "Promise me you won't open this till tomorrow?"

"I promise," he said.

I gave him another hug knowing it would be the last. And came home to do what I yearned for so long.

~:Harrys Pov:~

Before Joyce came I was staying in bed all day. Not coming out, not speaking or eating. I had no reason to, I let Joyce go.

I really wanted to open the letter Joyce gave me but I made a promise. I kept that promise till about six and finally opened it.

It was the poem I gave her and my heart sunk. Along with it was the necklace I gave the arcade day.

I flipped over the page and realized there was more writing that didn't belong to me.

Dear Harry,

Hey you, I know I've put you through a lot and I'm sorry. The memories we shared were lovely. The walks we've had, I'll always remember.

You promised you'd fix me, Harry, dear what were you thinking? You could never keep that promise. I'm unfixable. Like that vase I broke, after being shattered so many times I cannot be put back together.

I'm not sure how you could ever come to love someone with so many marks on their skin and scars on their heart. But you loved me nevertheless, even when I couldn't love myself.

Harry, my angel, thank you for everything. Thank you for not giving up on me up until the other day. No ordinary person would of lasted that long.

My times finally up, my long dream finally about to be achieved. By the time you read this I'll be in a better place, looking down at you. Being your guardian angel because you were mine.

Know that even though I never told you, I love you Harry. I love you so much and I'm not scared to say it anymore. If only I could of told you.

I didn't visit my parents, I couldn't do it without you. I guess the memory of me to them will be just some bad egg daughter that was mentally fucked up.

Sadly, this paper isn't big enough to write everything that I want so desperately to tell you. You'll find someone who isn't broken, Harry. You'll find someone worth of your time and someone you deserve. You'll find someone you'll have kids with and grow old with, someone who isn't dealing with battles in their head. Someone beautiful and can make you happy. Someone who could do all the things I couldn't. Someone who isn't me.

Harry I love you. I'll always be with you.

You'll always be my angel.

- Joy x