Broken Beyond Repair

Chapter Twenty Three

~:Chapter Twenty Three:~

But don't burn out, even if you scream and shout. It'll come back to you, and I'll be here for you.

Harry's been gone for about two days now and I'm beginning to lose my mind. Him and the boys were in LA to film a seven hour live stream known as 1DDay. Then they had to attend the American Music Awards.

It was weird seeing Harry on a TV screen and not in person. It made my heart leap for some unknown reason. Hell, we aren't even dating and yet I'm already in so deep.

"Harry, are you dating Kendall Jenner?" Piers asked and Harry flushed.

"We went on a dinner date but we aren't... Dating," Harry dared to say but didn't spill anything more. I felt the hole in my chest tearing open a little wider, the weight was back, making it hard for me to breathe.

Piers continued with the questions about Kendall and Harry but Harry shook it off, "Can we change the subject?" He smiled a bit in embarrassment and I felt myself sinking.

Kendall is prettier and skinner then I'll ever be. Perfect for Harry in fact. She's not a mess, and surely isn't a burden. I should've known this was going to happen, if only heart break wasn't so hard.

That was only two days ago and I feel like I'm going to throw up at the memory. I hope Harry doesn't come back so maybe the cruel pain of reality doesn't sting as much.

I begin to write.

I should've seen it coming

I should of felt it too.

That it was just a matter of time,

Before I lost you.

I should've never been so blind

I should've opened my eyes

I should've known that all you said

Were always nothing but lies.

I should've never believed you

I should've never looked your way

I should've never trusted you

But now I have a price to pay

I should've never fallen for you

I should've walked away

I should've just build my walls

So your image wouldn't stay.

I should've just died already

I should've just met my fate

I should've jumped off that bridge

Were I would see that golden gate

Angry tears spilled over my eyes, onto the paper. The poem was a bit choppy, but I continued to pour my emotions onto the paper.

Tears flow down my cheeks.

All the pain built up in weeks.

My future is fading

I'm tired of waiting.

And holding on seems so hard.

My desire is growing

Sleeves hiding what isn't showing

My vision is blurry

But don't you worry

It happens all the time.

I can't hold on,

It's been too long.

I'm being dragged under

Roaring sounds of thunder.

No one notices.

I'm slowly dying,

With broken wings, I'm flying.

Soaring across the sky,

Where no one hears me cry.

It's so peaceful up here.

I feel so far away

I know that I can't stay

Goodbyes aren't for me

Soon I'll be free.

I won't have to worry.

My soul will be free.

After writing all of my sadness in a poem I'm left to think,

What happened to me?

The feeling of heartbreak was all new to me, it was similar to the depressing feeling, only different.

With depression, it felt like you were empty, like you were in a dark hole and no digging or clawing could set you free. It was a deep sadness that tore you inside and out, and become apart of you.

This feeling was powerful, maybe more than the pain that depression brought you. With this, it felt like your heart hurt with every beat. It felt like your world was crumbling and your heart was shattering into a million pieces. It's like the feeling I felt when I found out about Sara's suicide.

Why was I so heartbroken again? Because things were finally clear? Because Harry went on a date with a beautiful girl? Is this why I'm so broken? It seemed pretty stupid to me, I even told myself this would happen. I warned myself yet I was too naive to believe Harry would hurt me in any kind of way. The hurt love brings people.

I crawl out of bed using all my strength, and make my way to Josh's room. He's sitting on his bed, resting his back on the bed frame, drumming a tune onto his knees. His head shoots up seeing my presence and I curl up next to him, sobbing silently.

"Oh Joyce, what happened to you?" Josh squeezed me then rubbed comforting circles into my back.

I shook my head and cried further into his shirt. Depression and heartbreak wasn't a good combination. So many negative emotions hitting me all at once couldn't be healthy. Mentally, that is.

Maybe I could turn myself in at II. Perhaps another three years will do me justice and I'll finally learn to love myself. I am beginning to miss my roomie, Natasha. Hopefully she has gotten better and overcame her eating disorder, maybe she got released and returned to her loving family.

"Tell me, what's wrong?" Josh finally said after moments of silence.

Instead of telling him I simply smiled, "nothing, I just needed to let that out."

My weak side would no longer be shown after today. I just needed a good cry every once in a while.

"Hey, Harrys coming back tomorrow." Josh smiled thinking it would cheer me up.

Even though Josh attended 1D day, he doesn't know about the Harry and Kendall scandal, and I plan on keeping it that way.

The mention of Harrys name makes my chest ache, but I don't say any-thing. I smile like I usually would on hearing Harrys name even though I'm hurting inside.

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keep fighting ♥

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