Broken Beyond Repair

Chapter Twenty One

~:Chapter Twenty One:~

We drove back to my flat in silence. Usually the silence would be comfortable, but this one was eating away at my entire being. The guilt gnawing at my brain.

I still wanted to meet my fate, yes. Whether it was jumping off a bridge or hanging by a rope, I wanted to die. But I couldn't poison Harrys mind by him seeing me die. It would be too much for him. The image would be tattooed in his brain forever, and I couldn't leave him to dwell upon that.

I was too focused in my thoughts to realize we arrived outside the building. Only when Harry cleared his throughs I finally snapped back to reality.

I unbuckled my seatbelt and awkwardly exited the car. When we finally got to my floor I pulled out my key and opened the door.

Josh was sitting there with an anxious expression, but once he saw me enter the door he looked relived yet angry.

"Joyce," he strained, obviously trying to calm down but failed when his voice started to rise.

"What the hell were you thinking?" He asked in a scary calm voice.

I looked down sadly not feeling an ounce of regret, only guilt. I was guilty, but I didn't regret what was about to happen on that bridge. I wonder what it was like in heaven, if I would even make it that far. I wondered if it counted as murder if you killed yourself. My mind would be at peace up there, not here. Not ever.

"It doesn't matter now, it's over," the hole in my chest was pulsing, and for that brief moment on the bridge it stopped, like the hole was gone. Maybe death was my life goal after all.

"Clearly it does! You almost fucking killed yourself if Harry wasn't there, it does matter. The fact that my little sister could've died today leaving me alone, does that not mean anything to you?"

Anger and frustration rose inside me giving that extra assertiveness I needed.

"You know what Josh? You're so selfish! You talk about being all alone but who was the one who was all alone for three fucking years and the rest of her life? Me! I spent my whole life feeling out of place and alone, even with people around me the feeling of loneliness was stronger than ever, so don't you dare tell me I would've left you alone because when I needed you most you weren't there." I try to sound strong and it works for the most part, but the tears building up in my eyes blow my cover.

Breathing hurt, everything did. Goddammit why am I so weak? Why couldn't I just fool everyone with that happy mask like normal people? Why was I so sensitive?

"And that sad part of it all is that even though you hurt me, in the end I still forgive you," I finish taking a walk of shame to my room.

I think of my days in rehab, the countless of days I spent in the looney bin thinking I was at least close to better. But each day they left me alone in there to rot I started to think. And my mind is my own destruction, I thought of the horrible person I was. That I didn't deserve happiness, that all I was was a burden, a mistake.

And I was.

I am.

The door creaked open and Harry entered. I didn't want to see anyone, but then again I was never safe alone to sink in my thoughts.

"Joy," Harry whispered taking me in an embrace, I cuddled into him.

"Have you finally let me love you?" Harry asked.

I hugged him tighter, stealing his warmth. I just wanted to enjoy this moment with no worries in the world. No worries on what the future will hold, and who to trust.

I wanted to be as close as I could to Harry. To spend every moment like the one know, and this time there was no hiding. Because Harry has seen my weakest points, and my strongest. And I plan to have faith in the theory that he will fix me, I will have faith in him.

Bravely, I look up to me the gorgeous eyes that can send millions of girls swooning. We locked gazes and finally I made the choice to lean closer. Because every moment was a precious one, and I was wasting time worrying. Worry destroyed me, as much as I destroyed myself. My lips met his and we kissed passionately.

"Yes, yes I have."

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Well shit.

Jarry feels omg!1!1!

*****READ****

I just like to tell you thanks for over one hundred reads! It's not much but every person reading i want to reach out and give you a hug, but since that's not possible I wrote this instead.

Btw, if this story is getting you down or triggering you please don't continue to read. I want you guys to be happy and not get held down by my own fault.

But then again, pls stay strong I know it's a stupid thing to say but the storm raging inside you will pass eventually, not today, not tomorrow but maybe some day in the future.

Ily beauts keep fighting

~Grace