Broken Beyond Repair

Chapter Twenty Five

~:Chapter Twenty Five:~

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

I hate myself

But I love him,

So I'll live.

The only way I managed to fall asleep was picturing Harry beside me, his strong arms wrapped around my body. But even then the feeling of something missing was there, maybe it was the actual person I needed, not the image.

Harry and I probably won't ever see each other again, I most likely scared him off when I laughed like a maniac, and stood there for an hour whisper-ing replies to the voices in my head. Luckily, I was only replying in my head, so Harry didn't hear after all.

I finally understand the saying, "you don't know what you have till it's lost". After all that pushing away I think I finally lost Harry. He didn't fix me after all.

I felt a deep hatred for myself once, that feeling is coming back. I finally see why I hold such negativity towards myself; its simply because I manage to fuck everything up. Everything I encounter, I ruin. The feeling of failure overwhelms me. All the hatred, all the disappointment. I want to die so badly. The desire to die was like the desire to breathe. Actually, not even close, I don't want to breathe.

I couldn't die though, I'm trapped.

I tried before haven't I? Look how that turned out, the first time I was sent to the loony bin. The second? Well, you know what happened.

How hurt Harry must be. I'm a fucking failure. How could I have done this to him? After everything he's done for me. Fuck, he tried helping me but all I do is push and push until I send people over the edge. I hurt people and that's the only thing I'm good at. And for that, I hate myself.

I hate myself for what I've put Harry through. Because I give up too easily and get weak. Because I'm never good enough and never will be. I hate myself because I can't see the good things in life, only the negatives. I hate how I screw everything up and how I screwed up my life up. I hate myself because I'm so wrecked and made my parents witness me like this. I loathe myself because by the end of the day, I just want to die, because I never feel like I'm worth something. I hate myself for hating myself.

Oh my god, why have I been so blind?! This whole time I thought I was the only one hurting when it was people around me hurting too! Harry was hurting, because I made him hurt. Josh was hurting. Me, me, me, I always put myself first. Another reason why I hate myself, because I'm so damn selfish. I should just rot in hell already, it's so sickening what I cause. Again with me, all the 'I's, and the 'me's.

Without thought, I slip on my shoes not bothering with a jacket. This had to be done. I quickly write a sloppy note to Josh since I shattered my phone, I bring it anyway. I scurry to the door with haste not wasting anytime.

The car jolts in surprise from the slam of the door and soon I'm speeding through the streets, not caring how late at night it is.

After what felt like endless driving I appear at my destination and pound on the door. It didn't matter if I woke everybody up, I have to see him. A moment later a tired looking Niall answered the door, his hair all ruffled and his eyes were an irritated red. He gives his eyes a rub and glances at me.