Broken Beyond Repair

Chapter Twenty Four

~:Chapter Twenty Four:~

Josh was right, Harry came back today. He texted me, but once I saw his name on my screen I angrily threw my phone across the room, that resulted in it shattering.

My phone had precious pictures of Fudge, and Sara. I screamed at it, getting all the built in frustration out on my poor, broken phone.

Everyday I grew angrier, more protected and guarded than ever. But then again, more breakable. I really am a puzzle missing pieces.

There was a knock on the door and I thought back to the time when I thought robbers came in, and I ended up beating Harry with a baseball bat.

I look up from the TV hearing Josh's voice, "I'll get it!"

"Yeah because I wasn't going to!" I announce back and look back to the screen.

"Oh, hey Harry," I hear Josh say with a surprised tone. He found out about Kendall and angrily spoke about how he was a jerk to do that to me and all that crap.

I can't quite make out what Harry says, but Josh speaks, "Nows not a good time Harry."

I hear Harry yell and I flinch feeling tears to my eyes.

"I want to see her!" He shouts and I cover my ears but its not getting blocked out.

"Harry, don't you understand? She doesn't want to see you!" Josh yells back. I hear footsteps near closer to me and I hope it's Josh.

"Joy," the voice that would usually warm my heart sends me chills. I can't bear to look at him, I'm just beginning to overcome the feeling of heartbreak but he's bringing it all back. I focus on my hands.

I need to act as if nothing happened, nothing as in, nothing between us. All the moments we've shared, I just need to act as if I barely knew him.

Stupid idea but it's worth a shot.

"Joy?" He says again.

"Oh, hey Harry," I say casually, glancing at him but then returning my focus on the screen.

I feel the couch sink and I feel Harrys breath next to me causing me to shudder.

"I missed you," his breath tickles my ears and my heart aches hearing his words.

"Yeah," I kept my sentences short. I knew if they were longer the sorrow would seep through my voice, I keep it steady hoping he doesn't catch my faltering tone.

He does though, he knows me too well and I hate it. I hate being predictable, so easy to read. My pages are too exposable, my story is sad. My walls are built back up to him, and this time I don't think even Harry can knock them down.

"Darling what's wrong?" Harry asks, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear so he can see my expression.

The soothing sound of his voice makes my heart melt and brings tears to my eyes sadly. I want to cry, cry and be weak, but where would tears get me? I take the risk of turning my head to face Harry and look at him solemnly.

When he tries to kiss me I lean away looking at his hurt filled face.

"Harry, I can't do this. I-" I swallowed hard, "I think it's best if... We're not-friends." I couldn't think of another word. We kissed, yes, but we were never anything more.

The wounded look that plastered on Harry's face was enough to send bullets to my chest, leaving me gasping for the air that my lungs crave. I try seeming unharmed no matter how much emotional damage.

Harry needed to see that I was only a waste of time, that I only hurt and experience hurt. I was doing this because he deserves so much better, so he doesn't have the power to hurt me. He will learn to hate me, and I'll finally see how unwanted I am. Soon he'll forget me, and I'll be nothing but his past.

He needs to learn that I am beyond healing.

"What?- Why? Joyce what did I do?" Tears met the brims of his eyes and I force my eyes not to do the same.

"Joyce, please! What did I do? I can make it better," Harry begged but my mind was already set. This had to be done.

"I'm sorry." I couldn't look into those glossy green eyes, the ones that I destroyed, the ones that I hurt.

"Please... Tell me, what did I do?" Harry pleads and I think for a second he'll get down on his knees due to their shakiness.

I hear a cough and when I turn my head I see Josh, has he been watching this whole time?

"You wanna know what you did Harry? You lead my sister on then broke her heart. You and that Kendall girl? Yeah. I love you man but you're no good for Joyce."

I stare at him madly, what is he doing?!

"Josh!" I hissed, carefully glancing back at Harry.

Harry looked at me with pitiful eyes. I hated that look. I felt pathetic and exposed, all this drama I caused was because Harry was seeing another girl? I finally realize my stupidity. He still looked over at me with that expression, the one that yelled at me saying, you're pathetic.

My heart was drumming in my ears, my breath stolen from hyperventilation. It felt like I forgot how to breath, is this what dying feels like?

"Oh my god!" I laugh insanely, crazy tears escape my eyes and I keep laughing like a psycho. The two boys are staring at me with wide eyes.

"I finally realize," my voice is thick with insane realization, "how crazy this all sounds!"

"I mean, why was I so heartbroken over something so foolish?" Correction: why am I?

"Why does it matter, it's not like we were dating anyway! I mean, it's not like this kind of thing hasn't happened before." How deranged I must sound right now.

"Joyce, you need to calm down," Harry advised his voice bearing the calmness I don't have.

I'm losing my mind.

I need help.

The voices joined my thoughts and we express our feelings together no matter how cruel.

You are so fucked up, you need to go back where you belong.

Where is that? I speak back to the voice in my head no matter how strange it sounds.

You know you imbecile, II or hell. You choose. I pictured the voices snickering at me.

I can't put that on Harry. He already almost witnessed my death.

The voices cackled in my head, II it is. Back to the looney bin you go Joyce.

We'll follow you there too though, just remember. You can't cheat with pain, pain cheats you.

We'll never stop Joyce, not until you visit your grave.

You will never beat us.

I will, I promised.

One day.