Broken Beyond Repair

Chapter Thirty

"Stuck inside a world I hate"

After walking through my hometown we head back to Harry's car. Unfortunately it's parked in front of my old house, I don't want to face it again, but I'm forced to.

With caution, I peek around the car to see if my mother waited for us outside. I'm thankful when she isn't there.

Walking with Harry cheered me up slightly, but of course-like every other occasion- I am far from better. My mind is just as dysfunctional as my parents, just as dysfunctional as my life. First I'm caring too much, then too little. Like I mentioned previously, it can never be in between.

I don't want to hurt anymore, but then again I'm too tired to keep fighting. I'm letting the river of sadness take me and I won't try to swim out of it, only flow as it carries me farther from civilization, until the undertow drags me down.

I'm tired of being tired. I hate myself for hating myself. I'm pathetically pathetic. I'm so many things, so many things that I don't want to be.

For once, I'm glad to be back to the flat. I bid Harry goodbye, kiss him a bit, then walk into the flat as his car drives away. I face the intimidating steps and jog up them.

Easy way to burn calories.

Each steps leads me to a skinner me.

Many steps later I'm in the flat, Josh happens to be in his room and I'm relieved. I don't want him bombarding me with questions, asking me how it went.

I sit on my bed and a crunching sound startles me.

Sara's letter.

Instantly I retrieve the wrinkled paper that was folded in my back pocket. I re-read the brutal words that crush me with each letter.

Dear Joyce,

Hey darling, I know it's been a while but I still haven't forgotten you. Nor will I ever. The memories we shared together have been splendid, but my times up darling.

I'm sorry I couldn't help you. I couldn't even help myself. But enough about me, you'll be happy without me, I know you will.

I'll always remember you. Even if you forget me. You don't have to worry about me anymore, I'll be safe. Or in hell, either way, I'll be out of your life.

I'm so sorry I brought this upon you.

But you'll be fine, I know you will. God has plans for you, please promise me not to hurt yourself, don't keep your promise of going if I do. You can do this.

Remember when you told me your obsession with Sloths? And you sent me all those sloth memes? Remember when we didn't speak for months? Remember all the good days we shared? The memories that made us Best friends.

I'll be with you forever, hidden inside your mind. But you must forget about me, okay?

You'll always be my sister, I don't have much time to write such a long note, God knows I can write a book about you, and how great you are. But I can't darling, my times up.

I want to write so much more, but there's not enough time.

Please stay strong Joyce, I love you, you know that don't you?

See you in the future, I love you.

~Sara

I read it again and again and each time I cried harder. With every sob that escaped my mouth my body trembled. My suicide attempt seems so long ago, but it's only been a few weeks.

Why can't death just take me? Why can't it lift my soul gently and take me away?

Thinking about Sara opens so many wounds that were already tearing me apart. The great wave of depression was slowly swallowing me. With each tide I seem to get more and more farther from the safe shore. I can't paddle my way through, its like quick sand, the more you struggle, the deeper you get dragged down.

In my sad rampage, I began to throw things. The sheets were thrown on the floor along with the mattress. Honestly, I didn't give a fuck. I didn't care about anything. Everything in my life was crashing down hill; an utter mess. It came tumbling down, crushing everything in its path including innocent people. It dragged me along with it until I was too weak to hold on.

I find myself looking into the broken mirror in front of me. I can see specks of my features and even though they're barely visible, I can still see the many flaws before me. My foot meets the mirror and I feel the shards stab into my foot. The shards cling to my skin and tear it on contact, the blood seeps through my sock onto the ugly carpet and I step on it. The pain hurts deeply, but I don't care.

I look at my hideous wrist, the ugly reminders of my distressed times are indented in my skin. It's so ugly, yet so beautiful. Cuts from years ago are there, faded into scars. In the light, you can see all the little marks that sit there, they refuse to leave. My fingers brush over the canyons of white scars, some are red and bulging, showing the more intense injuries.

My other arm is just as damaged, and I know my thighs are too. Whenever I went swimming at the beach, or go swim in my friends pool I would have to hide my thighs under my hands. A few times I even cut my stomach, one thing let to another the blade found its way to my neck, but a pound on the door stopped me.

Just thinking about the pleasure the blade brings is overpowering. I haven't cut since Harry found me unconscious on the floor. I would lift up my shirt to examine the scars, but the fat on my stomach is too much to face. I'm too scared to look at my body, look at the disappointing fat hanging from my body. No matter how much I starved myself, no matter how hard I tried, Id never be close to the beautiful people I've seen. I won't ever be as pretty and perfect as Harrys past girlfriends. I won't ever be as gorgeous or skinny as Taylor, Kendall or Cara.

You're right, you will never be good enough. Not for Harry, not for anyone.

I plug my broken phone into my laptop trying to relieve myself from all these swarming thoughts. Maybe the memory from my phone will transfer to my laptop and I can recover the pictures.

It works, the photos process and load and I almost choke out a sob at all the pictures of Sara and I. Photo after photo, I regret not speaking to her for all those years.

You're so pathetic, I thought you'd realize by now. The voices taunt in my head.

You're so worthless.

Harry despises you.

Remember what you're mother said?

You were the reason for Sara's death, it's all your fault. At that, something inside me snapped.

Shut the fuck up!

Get out of my head!

Get out! I scream in my head. I'm going completely insane. I need to go back to II, I need to get out of people's lives before I bring down everyone in my way.

I look at my laptop screen and begin to yell at all the pictures.

"Why'd you leave me Sara? Why?!" I yell at the screen repeatedly.

"Why'd you have to go?! You left me suffering here! I need you, I need you Sara." My voice quiets at the end and I break, my eyes are already sore from all the crying, my throat dry from my screams.

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Well that escalated quickly...

Keep fighting <3

- g r a c e