Broken Beyond Repair

Chapter Thirty Two

"He's trying to steer a sinking ship"

It all sinks in that my flight to New York is tomorrow morning. Yeah who would of thought that one of the best rehabs are in the crowded place of New York? Awfully surprising, but what's more surprising is that I actually put myself up to this. I remember hating the idea of rehab, hating II and the screams. Now I'm forcing myself to go, to get better. But I'm leaving behind my motivation, my happiness, my Harry.

The car ride is quiet and I'm no longer smiling. The joy from seeing Fudge has vanished, and now the weight of telling Harry the news is hanging on my shoulders.

I should of told him sooner.

He's going to hate me.

"I'm sorry," I whisper very quietly, almost mouthing the words. Harry catches them.

"What was that?" He asks glancing at me and leaving over slightly to hear me.

"Nothing," I assure, but Harry is a curious boy. Thankfully he never pressures me unless its important.

"So," I say after a long pause of silence. "How did you know who owned Fudge?"

Harry stays silent for a minute then clears his throat. "Your mother," he answers and I wish I never asked.

"Pardon?" I ask even though I heard him perfectly clear.

He looks at me for a second and focuses back on the road. "Your mother," he repeats anxiously.

"Ho-what?" I can't muster a proper question. All I'm thinking is who? What? Where? When? Why?

"Well, while I didn't speak to you for a week an idea came into my head. I went back to her house and confronted her on how to make it up to you. I asked her who owned Fudge now, and the location," he explains and I'm speechless.

"Oh," is all I have to say. But then continue, "that's very thoughtful of you Harry."

My mind flashes back to New York, I have to tell him.

"I have to tell you something," I say.

It's now or never.

"You are telling me something," Harry teases and I hit his arm.

"Oww," he whines playfully, I hate how I'm going to destroy his playful side in a matter of seconds.

"Shut up," I order but in a teasing voice. He smirks at me but says nothing.

"So maybe you can put your hand on my thigh again," Harry mocks playfully, dammit Harry why are you so cute.

"Harry I'm serious, you're gonna want to shut up."

I take a deep breath of air hoping that a miracle will happen and Harry would understand. No way in hell do I want to leave this boy that is a part of me but I have to, I have to get better. Then, if Harry is patient enough, I will come back and we could both live happily together.

Here it goes.

"Harry I'm leaving tomorrow." Wow that was a subtle way of saying it. It could have plenty of meanings, leaving life, leaving earth. Hah, I'm so vague.

The car screeches, he put his foot harshly on the breaks. I panic, "Harry, drive!" The car starts to move again and I take a breath of relief. Sadly, my relief is cut short when we arrive at Harrys flat.

We get inside his flat and the silence is broken. "What the fuck do you mean you're leaving?" He asks angrily and begins to pace.

"I- I'm uhm.. going to New York," I say quietly, unsurely.

Harry stops pacing and finally meets contact with me. "I'm coming with you," he says instantly.

Before I can refuse, Harry cuts me off, "what for?" He asks his voice still rough, he's tugging at his hair in a frustrated gesture.

"I'm going to Great Brooklyn Rehabilitation Centre," I admit softly taking a courageous step toward Harry. It breaks my heart when he backs away.

"Why Joyce?" He asks weakly, I can tell he's crushed. His eyes are disappointed and his heart is probably let down. His head is bowed ever-so-slightly.

"I- I need to get better, I'm not well Harry. Great Brooklyn is a good rehab... If-" I can't finish, I break into a sob. I feel disgusted in myself, maybe if I tried harder I would be better, but I seem to get worse and worse and New York is my only option.

I hold my face in my hands, I can't bear for Harry to see me cry. I cry too much, I'm too weak. I feel his arms secure around my shoulders, and I sink into them and sob some more.

"I'm- I'm so fucking sorry Harry. You deserve so much better, I'm so sorry. I have too much baggage, and-and I just can't handle myself. I need to get better for- for you." My body is shaking from all the sobs escaping my mouth. My eyes are already sore from the amount of tears that broke from them.

"Shh baby, it's okay. You don't need to apologize for wanting to get better," he soothes and I feel myself stop trembling.

"You deserve to get better, but I just can't see my life without you," he tells me and my heart shatters even more.

"You can live fine without me," I laugh weakly, and hold his shirt in my fists. I look up at him feebly, those unique green eyes I'll never forget.

"No," he says with so much force, "I can't. You see Joyce, you are my life. You are my darling, you've brought so much good into my life, a single smile warms up my whole world. You make everything bearable, I can't stand to live a single day without you. I love you with my every being, why do you have to leave me?"

My heart is tearing in two, I'm torn.

The love of my life or hopefully a greater view on myself.

"I already have the tickets." I'm just coming up with excuses.

"Cancel your flight," he pleads getting down to his knees and I think I might collapse.

"Harry, don't make this harder than it already is," I beg, he's holding my legs and crying into them. Tears stream down my cheeks at the sight and I just want to sink down with him.

"Please," he cries, "too many people have walked out on my life, don't leave me too."

Those words pierce my chest, the whole is bigger than ever and I can't breathe. I love Harry too much to let him go but I'm not getting better, and I won't until I get help.

"I can help you," Harry assures, reading my mind. How can you help me Harry when I can't even help myself?

"Harry, please," I choke out, "stop."

"I'm nothing without you," Harry goes on. I can't stand this any longer,

My mind is made up.

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Keep fighting, eventually you'll win.

G r a c e