Broken Beyond Repair

Chapter Twenty Two

Remember, if this is triggering any of you do not continue. I do not want to place negative thoughts in your heads bby. Ily

~:Chapter Twenty Two:~

Harry left later on and I returned into my dead routine. Perhaps they thought that once I was saved from my fate I'd return into the old Joyce. The better Joyce.

But if they assumed that they're way off. Maybe they guessed that once I was saved that I'd snap back to reality, and that I'd be grateful and see my purpose. But the only purpose I saw was death.

It is death.

It forever will stay death.

I agreed to come along with Josh to pick up some groceries and that's where we are now. Well, he made me come, after the whole attempt he won't let me out of his sight. Unless I'm with Harry.

At one point or another he tries making conversation but it quickly dies with my lifeless one-worded replies.

"Do you want anything?" Josh asks glancing at the sections of vegetables.

My mouth is dry and my lips are chapped, I can't manage an emotion filled answer.

"No," my voice comes out lifeless and weak. He doesn't comment on it though.

I sluggishly trail behind him like a injured puppy. I try walking like a normal, alive being but fail. I couldn't sound alive and well, I sounded drained and depressed. Tired and restless altogether.

The way I move you can tell I'm miserable, but I hate that word. That's what my father always used to define me as. My chest tightens at the memory.

"Why Joyce?" My father was looking at me as if I was the most disgusting thing he's ever witnessed. "Why are you always so miserable?!" He yelled.

You think I want to be this way?! I wanted to say, only I didn't. I just stare at my knees that are closely tucked to my chest, screaming in my head.

He sighs loudly, no, groans. As if he's totally given up on me.

"I'm not miserable", I wanted to say. "I'm hopeless."

I sigh to myself, just a quiet exhale so Josh doesn't question me. People glance at me probably wondering what my problem was, if only I knew.

You could probably tell in my dull eyes, no life was held in them. Each eyes were supposed to be filled with an emotion, bright and shining, only mine were blank. Staring back at you.

The voices creeped their way into my brain, they wouldn't shut up. Nevertheless they always gave great advice.

You're so fucking pathetic, look at everyone staring at you.

You're so fucking worthless and dead, no one likes broken things.

Harry will never love you.

Everyone is right, you really are miserable.

Stop seeking attention, nobody likes attention whores

They were distant, at the back of my mind. But that didn't mean I couldn't hear them.

I'm looking down at the floor because I can't stand to look up and see the people around me, so much better. So much more fixable.

Josh speaks, but I don't hear him, I don't feel anything, and the noise around me is a blur. I feel as if I don't exist.

After Josh is done scanning the items in the self-check out aisle we head back to the car. The air slapped me in the face but I barely notice. I'm wearing a thin jacket that doesn't benefit these harsh novembers. I don't mind though, I am numb to the cold by now.