Love on a Pole - Septiplier AU

Of Tears and Being Broken

I woke up later, lying in an uncomfortable position and alone. James must have left after he choked me out, leaving the door unlocked. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, trying to wake up. It was nearly dawn, the sunlight just peaking out from between the mountains in the distance. Weary, I stood up on shaking legs, trying to put some strength back into them. I collapsed, falling back to my knees with a thud. Pain lanced through my legs, making me bite my lip hard, trying to hold back tears.

You're weak, Sean. My mind yelled at me. James will always overpower you. Always.

I was in tears now, pouring down my face. I was sobbing, loud ugly sobs that sent tremors through my body.  James was horrible, one of the worst people in the world. I don't know why he was like this, why he was so horrible to me.

Slowly, eventually, the shaking stopped, the tears dried on my face. I stood up, wearily, making my way to the bathroom. I had to wash away my pain somehow, probably doing what I always did.

I made my way to the bathroom, closing and locking it behind me as I stagger and collapsed against the sink. I looked into the mirror,  seeing my red, puffy eyes and my tear-stained cheeks. I was a mess, and I hated it. I hated how I felt incompetent around James, like how I couldn't do anything. 

I knew I was falling into that dark place again, as I always did, especially when James was my boyfriend. To think that it was a good relationship at the beginning. To think that I was actually happy when we first got together. To think I spent three years of my life on him, hoping that our relationship would get better. That he would stop hurting me.

I drew something out of the medicine cabinet, a small, glinting object that felt cold in my fingertips. I looked down at it, watching as the light reflected off of it, seeing my reflection in it. I put it to my wrist, dragging lightly, watching as a thin line of red appears. I sigh, feeling a slight sting as my blood hits the cold air, sending shivers down my spine.

I slashed over and over, line after line, watching red pool up over and over, streaming down into my hand.  I hold my arm over the sink, watching the pearly white ceramic turn into a deep shade of dark blood red. Too soon I started to feel dizzy, knowing that I had let too much escape. 

I dropped the little metal piece into the sink, realizing what I had just done and gasping. My breath was escaping my, panicked breaths leaving my body. Shakily I turned on the faucet, washing the blood out of the sink. It was hot water, though I didn't realize this until I put my marks underneath, only to scream out and pull away. It hurt, a pain so horrid I'd rather pull out my own fingernails. I turned on cold water, mixing it with the hot and making it warm. I put my arm back under, the throbbing pain slowing to a dull ache. The tears had come back, pouring down my face at the helplessness that is my life.  I turned off the water after it had run clear, wrapping it up in gauze and securing it with medical tape. I wandered out of the bathroom, stumbling to get to my room. I was able to get to the door, Trying to open it. But I was too dizzy. My hand slipped and grasped for the handle, falling away. I sunk to the floor, tired, exhausted and slept there, sleep taking me over.