For Him

Chapter 31- Happiness

Is this what happiness looks like?

Happiness is an abstract word. By definition, it means, "the state of being happy," and happy means, "feeling or showing pleasure or contentment." If both of those definitions are true, then Blaine would be considered happy... partially.

Asking if someone is happy is like asking if Emma Roberts is a brunette. Sometimes, yes, she is. But sometimes, she's not. Actually, sometimes, she's the complete opposite. So does that give the media the right to label Emma Roberts as a brunette, or as a blonde? Does it just label her as someone having hair? Because nothing is ever consistent and nothing is ever certain in this ever-changing and ever-turning world that we live in.

So, when Blaine was asked whether or not he was happy, he said yes, instead of his Emma Roberts metaphor that he'd come up with to explain what exactly it was that he was feeling.

Of course, Blaine was happy with Kurt, he never questioned that for a second. But was he happy in life?

Kurt sure was. Most mornings, Blaine could hear him humming in the shower to show tunes, songs that he thought he'd burned out of his mind the second NYADA was out of the picture. He silently vowed that Theater Kurt was gone forever, even though Theater Kurt was the hypothetical "happiest" identity of his.

But as Blaine woke up from another nightmare, for the fifth night in a row, he started to question his own happiness.

It always started and ended the same way.

Phil looked at him lovingly, with his deep eyes that never wavered. One look at them, and Blaine's knees buckled under him, crumbling as his body fell towards the floor.

Falling, falling, falling, Blaine went through the floorboards that used to be solid and stiff, but were now filled with an endless void that almost made him fall through oblivion and get lost. He screamed and screamed, and nobody heard him, until a hand reached for his flailing arms, and lifted him to safety on the flat ground.

It was him again, with his mesmerizing chocolate-brown eyes, his warm smile, and apparently, his warm body. Phil tugged Blaine close to him, wrapping his arms around his waist, and Blaine's hands on Phil's shoulders.

"You trust me, right?" Phil whispered in his ear, and the soft breeze made Blaine shiver.

"Of course I do."

"Good," Blaine wasn't aware of Phil taking the clothes off his body until he was almost completely stripped. "You're ready, Blaine."

He froze. "I don't think- I'm not-"

Phil backed him up closer and closer to a wall, not sexually anymore, but filled with rage and force. Blaine hit the wall with a thud, and slid down to the ground. Phil's eyes were black, and all sensitivity and emotion were gone.

"You're. Ready."

A tense hand flew to Blaine's throat, gripping tightly. It lifted him off the ground, so his feet were dangling far from the floor. Clawing at the back of Phil's hand, Blaine tried anything- everything- to get something into his lungs, and pry it away. He could feel his life slip away from his as the black voids where loving eyes used to be stared right into his soul. Gasping one last time, in a feeble attempt to get more time, more of a future, Blaine's vision went blurry.

This is it.

Blaine shot up straight in bed, gasping for air. His heart was beating too fast for its own good, thumping loudly in his chest at an unsteady rate. He gripped the bedsheets with both hands, trying to steady himself, even with the blurry and spinning universe that he'd grown accustomed to in the past couple of days.

"Hey," the croaky voice that emerged next to him made Blaine jump, and his heart rate get faster, if possible, "you're alright."

It was only Kurt, sitting up and looking at him with clouded eyes and tousled hair to his left. His hand went to the small of Blaine's back, running small circles in it as he whispered it over and over again. "You're alright, you're alright, you're alright." Blaine slumped against Kurt, not having any energy to hold his own weight anymore, and Kurt's arms kept him up tentatively.

"Sorry for waking you up..." Blaine whispered, ashamed of his actions, "nightmare."

"It's okay. You're okay." Kurt let his chin rest on Blaine's head, "Was it about...Phil again?"

"Yeah." Blaine shook his head. "He's been gone for weeks now. I haven't talked to him, I haven't seen him, I haven't even testified against him yet! Why is he still hurting me?"

"I don't know."

Blaine could feel tears pricking at the back of his eyes, and he cursed silently for letting himself be so vulnerable and letting his guard down. "I wish he could just leave me alone!"

"I do, too, Blaine," Kurt said into his hair, "And he will, eventually. It'll stop hurting."

"Every time I think about him, I'm in pain, Kurt." Even in the dim light, Kurt could see Blaine's hurt expression clearly, as he pulled away and looked up a him. He was trying to keep it together so hard, as he did every day since Phil laid hands on him the first time. "When is the pain going to stop?"

"It didn't happen too long ago, after all," Kurt reminded him, "You need time to heal."

Blaine thought about it for a second, thinking back to the moment they got together. Blaine had only officially ended it with Phil less than 24 hours before. It had only been hours since he left someone who beat him and mentally abused him without him even being aware of it.

Only hours after Phil was taken away by the police, Blaine and Kurt gave each other the roll of boyfriend, and Blaine once again had a partner that he put great trust in, someone that could knock him over at any point, even when he felt tall.

Everything was moving so fast.

"I need time to heal," Blaine repeated, whispering to nobody in particular. Everything in his head finally clicked. He knew what he had to do.

Kurt's hands found themselves wrapped together with Blaine's which crumbled into his lap. He held them tightly with reassurance. "And I will be here every step of the way until you do."

"You mean that?"

"If you'd have me," Kurt smiled, "I love you, Blaine."

"I love you, too."

Kurt eventually persuaded Blaine to lay down and try to sleep. Only moments after his head hit the pillow, Kurt was out.

Blaine, however, laid on his back the entire night and looked up at the ceiling, just thinking.

Is this what happiness looks like?

I was going to make excuses on why I haven't updated, but I don't want to waste your time. Sorry for the delay and for the angsty chapter (unless you like Blaine angst).

Tell me your predictions! What was Blaine saying he was going to do? Find out next week (or at this rate, next decade) to find out!! Oohhh.

Don't forget to vote and comment! Thanks!