So, I've come to the conclusion that........... I'm an idiot.
I can't believe I let him do that. Like, seriously! What the hell was I thinking?
I'm convinced the only thing he wanted out of this little friendship was a fcuk buddy. Now, I'm not going to lie, as crazy as it sounds- I- yes I- Beyonce Giselle.....thought about having friends with benefits before just to avoid the drama that comes along with a boyfriend but that's beyond my character. I don't see how people do it. You might as well be in a relationship because it's pretty much guaranteed that feelings will eventually get involved.
I wonder how Jay would react if he knew I was practically a virgin. Not literally- but I didn't really claim the only two times I'd had sex since I lost my virginity at 18. I can honestly tell you that those two times were the worst uncomfortable and awkward moments in my life. I don't know, maybe those dudes didn't know what they were doing- either that or I was just too tense to enjoy it.
Because of that, I never understood what my friends were talking about when they'd refer to sex as this mind blowing event like fire works and shooting stars could be seen or something.
Lupe Fiasco's 'The Cool' album stayed on heavy rotation in Jay's car. I could hear him over there rhyming along with the songs while I continued to overanalyze everything that had happened in the past few hours. He was headed to my house right now to drop me off while I sat perched in the passenger's seat.
Whenever a red light would come up, he'd look my way but I'd never grace his attention with mine for some reason. Minutes later, he'd finally pulled up in front of my house.
2 seconds after he put the car in park I was opening the door.
"I'll talk to you later." I flashed a simple smile and got out of the car. It looked like he wanted to say something but I didn't give him enough time to before I was on my way to the front door.
Once I walked in the house I was greeted by the sound of my mother yelling at Solange in the family room. The last thing I wanted to do was barge in on that little conversation- when my mother got angry she was nothing to play with.
Apparently, Solange had a little male friend of hers over while no one else was here and got caught. My mother sounded highly pissed and I can't even say I felt bad for the girl either. Ha!
I went straight to my room closing the door before I felt a vibration in my purse. I threw it on the bed and found my phone to see it was text message from; who else but Jay. Damn.
From Jay (+2407718526)
Date 6/3/08 10:59pm
I guess a hug would've been too much to ask for, huh?
Sweet dreams beautiful. Call me tomorrow.
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The next day I rode around with Kelly while she ran a few errands. After she took care of some things we hit up the mall and took RJ
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