One Thousand Tears

Fate

I punched my reflection in the face today.
She told me I wasn't good enough again.
Now I can't see anything and she still refuses to go away.
The high is supposed to be better than the low,
Except in this case.
I'm fighting a battle that was designed for me to lose.
She's never gonna give in until I rip open every wound.
I'll never get better unless I find a way to stop blaming you.
I'm sick of being sick.
I can't take much more of this.
Bent over the toilet, I'm crying while I slide my finger down my throat again.
My hands are always shaking.
There's bruises all over my skin.
My hair is falling out a little more each day.
My throat is raw and hurts like hell,
But she says it's the only way.
My body is too exhausted to fight back anymore.
I'm always in pain.
I never wanted this war.
How do you succeed at fighting a force that lives inside your head?
You can't kill a monster that controls your thoughts and wants you dead.
I beg her to leave me alone and make this nightmare end.
She stares me in the eyes and tells me she's my friend.
She makes me feel like I belong while she tears me apart.
She says there's nothing wrong with not accepting who you are.
I see the looks of those that think they understand.
But the truth behind the ugly lie,
Is that no one knows the intense amount of suffering caused by something that's never happened to them.
I'm not in control of who I am.
My body has been taken over by the imbalances in my brain.
I didn't decide to do this to myself.
It's a disease that not even medicine can help.
It's a struggle not to show the pain from the chronic illness that my disease gave me.
The hardest part is accepting that it's too late to save me.
She took over everything I was until suddenly she became me.
Now I hate everything about who I am.
And I'm not sure if I'll ever be okay again.
I punched my reflection in the face today.
I felt nothing inside when I walked away.
I didn't even cry when I realized that all along this was always my fate.