One Thousand Tears

Everything Changed

You didn't trust me since the day that you met me.
That's why you fucked things up so quickly and started to resent me.
You said that you only lied to protect me.
I was never looking for perfection.
But I knew that it was you who needed the protection.
Your first mistake was underestimating that I couldn't be just as spiteful as you.
Thinking I couldn't make you fall for me,
That was mistake number two.
You knew that I was flawed and mentally unstable.
But at least I was decent enough to lay everything out on the table.
I never lied to you about anything.
Even when I realized that you were lying about everything.
When trust is broken you can't just glue it back together with time and apologies.
Especially when time is getting shorter and you've already ran out of believable "I'm sorry's"
Mistakes can't be forgiven if they follow a constant pattern.
I just sit patiently everyday and wait for the next one to happen.
Still, of all the lies you've told me,
Nothing could have prepared me for the one that finally broke me.
I've always been good at hiding my pain.
I had to learn early on to live that way.
But somehow I feel like this wound is too deep to ever go away.
I never expected you to be the one with the capability to shatter what's left of my heart and not feel a thing.
You saw my tears and somehow got stronger from my pain.
It still hurts to imagine that you could have ever done this to me.
When I close my eyes I relive that moment when I felt my heart leave my chest for good.
Time could never go on long enough to fix the damage that you thought you could.
Now my eyes only know how to cry.
And my memory is fixed on a temporary reaction to a permanent weakness you left inside.
What kills me more than knowing how easy it is for you to forget about us at any given time,
Is the pain that comes from knowing that you still have secrets and you'll always have something you feel you need to hide.
If you truly believed that we had something worth risking all of your fears and your pride,
I would have been able to believe that it was worth fighting through the pain inside.
You took too long to show me that I was worth the truth.
I didn't deserve to be tortured.
All I did was fight for you.
I wish I could say that I'll never stop fighting for what we once had,
But it took you years to realize that I wasn't walking away that fast.
You dug your grave and then pulled me in with you.
Now I can't escape and I'm afraid there's nothing anyone can do.
You're not coming back to me now as yourself.
You're just an empty shell of someone who refused help.
You used to be my heaven.
Lately you're my hell.
You can say you're recovered and pretend you're not the same.
But in the end I know you better,
And now I'll never be able to believe that you can change.