One Thousand Tears

You Never Knew

I'm still holding on to a fantasy that I know will only ever exist in my head.

You turned your back on me and left me for dead.

You had 25 years to get it right.

Why would you suddenly decide to fight?

You think that i'm okay after all of these years?

You destroyed my dreams while they turned to fears.

I thought that time could change my mind,

But honestly, not even 25 more years could make it right.

You missed every birthday , and my high school graduation.

you wouldn't even accept my fucking invitation!

My wedding was beautiful, just so you know.

It took everything inside of me not to let the pain show.

I had to pretend like I was okay.

But I cried for weeks after that day!

You weren't there for the birth of any of my sons.

I have 3 now, you only met 1!

He asks about you sometimes and I don't know what to say.

He doesn't know that some father's just choose to walk away.

What hurts the most is how much you loved my brothers.

You chose to protect them from the disaster that was our mother.

You left me behind to fend for myself.

You never came back for me.

You left me in that hell.

Suddenly you think you can make things right, somehow?

You could never apologize enough to make me love you now.

I've waited all my life for the day that you wanted me in yours.

You have no idea what i've gone through because of that choice.

You knew that mom was an addict and we never had a home.

You knew that I was raising myself and I was always alone.

You knew that I needed you.

I made it very clear in those letters I sent every year.

I learned not to trust men because of you.

Lying and leaving is all that they do.

I refused to let myself get close enough to anyone so I can't get hurt again.

Mom might have been a coke whore with narcissistic tendencies,

but at least she stuck around and attempted to love me.

You'll never know how bad I still hurt inside.

You refuse to see how you ruined me because of your selfish pride.

But you never had a single picture of me hanging on that wall in the hallway.

My brothers had everything and lived their lives without me.

Your step daughter got the love that I was supposed to feel from you.

I'm too old to still be waisting tears on you.

I just wanna know why I wasn't good enough.

I was 4 years old.

What did I need to do to earn your trust?

You don't get to go to your grave without giving me the explanation that I deserve.

I won't let you go without making sure it hurts.

As bad as I feel, I want you to feel worse.

You walked away and left me standing there calling your name.

I'll never forget the way my heart broke that day.

There's still a piece of it that never got replaced.

I just want you to feel that pain.

No lies this time.

No games.

I just want you to look me in my face.

Tell me that you understand why I've carried so much hate.

Stop pretending not to see how badly you have broken me.

Why can't you just admit that you never wanted me?

Neither of you did.

I was the mistake that you should've hid.

It wasn't my fault.

I was just a fucking kid!

My life mattered, just not to you.

So if you're wondering now why I won't take your calls,

asking my brothers why I refuse to talk.

Take a look at the pictures staring back at you on your walls.

If my face isn't one of them,

It shouldn't be hard to understand at all.

Loving me is one thing that you lost the privilege to.

I just want you to feel the unbearable things a heart can do.

I hope it eats you alive until you realize what an amazing daughter,

you never knew.