One Thousand Tears

You Deserve This

My head feels like it's catching fire

as memories that I once repressed are suddenly resurfacing in my mind.

Hateful words and evil glares,

I can't stop picturing your face when I was scared.

You took my innocence along with my childhood.

You made me feel so small while it made you feel so good.

You never missed a chance to make me feel worthless.

I think I deserve to know if it was worth it.

I spent years taking care of you and trying to be perfect.

You never even acknowledged that I was hurting.

You treated me like I wasn't the daughter that you had in mind.

You never missed a chance to let me know all the time.

I was alone and scared every single night.

Wondering why I was given such a traumatic life.

Walking around on eggshells,

afraid to say the wrong thing.

Never knowing what was going to make you scream.

God forbid I missed a spot while cleaning your things.

Now I'm a perfectionist and I have no self-esteem.

I still cry when I think of how easy it was for you to leave me.

You told me I was too fat and constantly made me feel ugly.

I was just a kid I didn't understand why you couldn't love me.

You looked the other way when I developed my eating disorder.

You pretended not to notice because you didn't wanna take the blame for it!

I almost died and you still showed no compassion!

What the fuck did I do to you to deserve that reaction?

The only thing you ever taught me was that you're not beautiful if you don't have a new guy every night, sleeping with you.

I guess that's why I thought you'd start to accept me if I became a slut, too.

That lesson back fired when I got date raped at a party by multiple guys one night.

But at least I'm beautiful now, right?

Are your problems still bigger than mine?

Do you still feel good about yourself this time?

You put on a show for everyone.

Letting them believe that my father was the reason I was troubled.

You needed them to think that we were close so you could still feel humbled.

Faking suicide just to get my attention.

Laying in the same hospital bed that I was in, after I swallowed the same pills for my depression!

You've scarred me so deep that I don't think the wounds can ever heal.

I'm starting to remember things, that I spent years trying to convince myself weren't real.

You're just an evil person underneath that mask you wear.

This time you went too far when you told me that you didn't care.

You said that your problems are more important than mine

and you didn't even give a fuck about how badly I was crying.

I should've listened to every social worker that told me I needed to cut our ties.

They said you weren't capable of changing and I needed to stop trying.

So this is me walking away and saying goodbye once again.

I'm walking much faster this time and I'll never let you win.

You won't get the best of me anymore.

I'm done with your abuse and manipulations.

You'll need me again when you need someone to control.

But this time I won't be there to offer you my soul.

All I ever tried to do was gain acceptance from my mother.

I needed to feel the love that you only showed for my brother.

I'm exhausted now and I'm ready to deal with the pain.

It's your turn to finally take the blame.

I wanna wish you the best in life,

But honestly I just want you to feel lonely when you fucking die.

I want you to feel the way that I felt when the scars on my wrists were still bleeding.

I want you to feel the physical pain caused by weeks without eating.

I want you to hate yourself without understanding why.

I want you to question all of your thoughts because years of being made to feel stupid has you unsure if you're actually wise.

I want you to ache inside of your heart because there's an empty hole that never got filled with love.

I want you to suffer and not know who to trust.

I want you to know what it's like to be neglected by the only person who was responsible for loving you!

I never wanted to be evil and heartless like you,

But I guess that's what happens when you spend your life being mentally abused.

I want you to feel the pain that you consistently put me through.

I never deserved to be forever broken, but you DO.