One Thousand Tears

Still Alive

As much as this might kill me inside,
At least I'll still be some kind of alive.
I'll never get better if I keep letting you control my emotions.
You were always the best person to come to if I ever needed to feel worthless.
I never understood your denial.
You pretended to be innocent as you slowly stole my smile.
20 bathroom trips a day even when I haven't eaten.
My mind was exploding from years of being beaten.
You witnessed the countless times I fainted after exercise exhaustion.
You never batted an eyelash or proceeded with any sort of caution.
The voices that haunted me every night,
reminded me of how I was never good enough for you.
They replayed memories of the cold drunken words you would use.
The demons that lived in my head forced my perception of reality to become a delusional mess.
Still, I let them win each time I cried and gave in with distress.
You were supposed to save me.
You were supposed to do something to change me!
You were supposed to make sure I never felt that kind of pain.
But you were the one that caused my suffering through your hate.
Didn't you see that I was dying?
Bent over the toilet everyday, crying.
I didn't ask to be this way!
But you still refuse to take the blame.
It's a sickness in my brain that I can't control.
Your concept of helping me was to ignore the fact that anything was wrong at all.
While my body was slowly withering away from something that I desperately needed, in an attempt to finally gain your approval.
You turned your head and let it happen to me as you passed by me down the hall.
I can never let go of every way that you fucked me up in the head.
I've spent my entire life trying to force it all to make sense.
Now I think I understand.
You blamed me for needing you when all you needed was a man.
I was your resentment for being in the way.
That's why you could never stay.
You watched me struggle through my diseases and addictions.
But nothing was ever as important as you when you wanted to play victim.
Even though it's still killing me inside,
At least I'm still some kind of alive.
You can't control my emotions if I refuse to let you get inside.
It's probably gonna tear me apart in time.
But at least I'll still be some kind of alive.