dear self | soukoku

15 | "please...just...just wake up"

- Chuuya's POV -

February 3

I open the door to the hospital, eager to see Dazai.

I walk to the receptionist. "Hi. I'm here to see Dazai Osamu."

"Alright, hold on." She looks at her computer. "He's in room 9, floor 3."

"Ok, thanks."

I walk to the elevator, clutching the bouquet of flowers I have in my hand. I know it's stupid but he loves camellias. That dumbass better appreciate it.

After about 10 seconds, the elevator finally opens.

I look at the numbers on the left side of the door.

7...8...9.

I stare at the door that reads "Room 9: Dazai Osamu".

I'm actually nervous to enter.

My hand shakes nervously as I reach for the door handle.

I take a deep breath and open the door.

I see Dazai on the hospital bed to my left.

He's not awake.

I rush to his hospital bed. Has he really not woken up yet?

"Dazai?" I say as I inspect him. He has a tube in his mouth aiding him to breathe.

Shouldn't he have woken up?

I grab a chair from the corner of the room.

"Damnit Dazai." I say as I place the bouquet of pink camellias on the table next to him.

I sit in the chair.

"Your killing me here man. I think I'm gonna die from this anxiety."

"Why am I even talking to you? You're probably not gonna even hear me."

"Anyways I guess it's been about 2 days since you got shot. Life hasn't changed much."

"Why did you even get shot you bastard?"

"Your friends are worried about you. They keep calling you. I only know that because I went in your house to maintain your stuff of course. Your welcome by the way."

I sighed. "What else is there to say...uh..."

"Oh yeah, I called your friends back by the way. I told them what happened. I'm surprised they haven't come to visit yet really." I look around the room. There's no flowers or balloons or anything. The only present is the camellias I brought.

"Of course I didn't tell them my identity. I just told them I was an old friend of yours."

"The flowers I usually get have stopped coming. I kinda have a theory about that ."

"I don't miss you of course. I hate you with every fiber of my being."

The overpowering frown comes back. "That's what I want to say, but to be honest it's not the absolute truth."

"Damnit, I-I miss you Dazai. Please just wake up bastard." I feel something wet run down my cheek.

A tear. "Huh, never thought I'd cry for the likes of you." I feel more tears run down.

"The truth is...I think I have feelings for you. And I hate it. Why are you doing this to me damnit? I don't want to feel like this."

"And when I see you like this. Here and now, it hurts. It hurts to see you hurting." I grab the sheets from the bed and squeeze them.

"Please. Please just wake up Dazai. I know I act like like I absolutely hate you, but that's not completely true."

"I'm sorry I can't change my personality, but please just give me another chance."

"Please...just...just wake up." I say softly, still squeezing the sheets, not looking at Dazai.

I feel a hand gently touch my left hand.