dear self | soukoku

18 | why?

- Dazai's POV -

February 8

"Yay! I can finally somewhat get up without pain." I said to myself.

I was overjoyed. I haven't been outside in what feels like forever. Now I could finally leave.

"Better go surprise Chuu Chuu train." I said to myself.

I get myself ready and head excitedly to the flower shop. I can finally give him the bouquet.

Once I arrive, I find the bouquet I want. I purchase it and head to Chuuya's apartment.

I place the bouquet of red camellias in the front. I bought it mostly to give a little hint to who was giving him flowers.

As I walk away from the apartment I realize something.

Red camellias mean love.

Oh god. What if he think I love him? He doesn't know it's me but still...

I think the card said something about love to. Crap.

What do I do?

I guess I'll just leave it. I don't have the time or money to be buying more flowers. Hopefully he doesn't figure out the hint.

I walk to the coffee shop. I look inside through the window.

Chuuya's talking with some brunette girl that looks to be about his height.

I walk in. "Hello Chuuya." I say waving.

"So are you better now?"

"Somewhat. Who's this?" I say.

"Oh uh."

"I'm his new girlfriend!" She said, smiling.

I look to him. He has his hand behind his neck. "Really?"

"Well... uh yeah." He replies.

I think they was explaining how they met or whatever, but I couldn't really hear them. I was tuning them out, focusing on my heart beating fast.

"I gotta go." I said as I swiftly head to the exit.

I run as fast as I can away from the shop. Every step I take hurts my wound, but it can't compare to the pain in my heart.

What? What is this dreadful feeling? This feeling of sorrow and heartbreak.

I reach my apartment. I open the door and fall on the ground.

I feel like I can barely breathe, my eyes are watering.

Why? Why do I feel this way? I thought to myself.

Why am I not happy for him? He's finally found someone.

Even so, was he completely oblivious to everything I did? I was trying to show him I cared for him.

Why do I have this selfish desire for him? We're just friends. He'll never see me that way. I don't even think he sees me as a friend.

He was giving me these mixed signals and I thought maybe, just maybe he cared for me.

Looks like it's far from that.

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a/n: THANK YOU FOR 3K READS OMFFF
as a thank you, i give you this adorable picture

i also give you this picture of chuuya that killed me

you're welcome