Things We Lost In the Fire

Sister, Sister

When it comes to the whole situation with P, I really have an 'it is, what it is' type of attitude now. He has a certain mindset and although he can be understanding at times, he's having a hard time grasping why I'm still upset. I'm upset because he sat there in my face and only told me half of the truth. I asked his lying ass twice if he had ever loved Morgan and he said no. Was it really that hard for him to be completely honest with me? He leaves soon to go back over seas and it's really a toss up whether I want to go see him or not.

Tori says I need to stop tripping and forgive him, even though he should've been completely honest from the beginning. She said, "Jazz, I thought you wanted him? Do you realize giving him the cold shoulder is only going to push him back in the arms of his wife?". I told her, "Well, I cant control him. He was never my dog to keep on a tight leash to begin with."

November 15, 1998

Sitting on the floor of my old bedroom, I had been meditating for the past thirty minutes. Years back, a professional told me to take up yoga & meditation to help with depression and my anxiety. These last few weeks, I've found myself meditating at least two to three times a day to clear my mind of the stress that has been piling on me.

The fight with Morgan, P lying and then thinking I would just skate past it, picking up extra shifts, Andre's family nagging me about spending more time with Noah, the list goes on. But this morning, I needed to meditate in order to gain some sense of peace before I set foot in this church.

I know, you're probably thinking, "Jazz, don't you gain a sense of peace when you go to church?" Yeah, you're supposed to. But this new baptist church my family goes to is so outta pocket. In my opinion, the energy of most baptist churches are overwhelming. Like, all the people do is holler, fake like they caught the holy ghost and give you stank looks if you wear outfits they don't approve of. I mean to each is own, but I don't conform to any specific denomination, I just believe in God.

The pastor there is the main source of foolishness. All Pastor Woods does is say, "Turn to your neighbor and say 'neighbor...'" every five minutes and yell all the time. Like negro, why are you hollerin'? And if it's not that, he's throwing shade at people in his sermons and talking about a building fund.

My mom loves this man and my dad is like a deacon-in-training at the church, but Pastor Woods gives off a creepy vibe to me. When we were leaving today after the service was over, I walked up on him and my mom having a conversation and I swore this man looked at my boobs. Either way, that was probably my first and last time at that church.

Standing in the kitchen, I was helping put the finishing touches on Sunday dinner when I heard a car door slam and my mom rushed to the front door. I heard the distinct voice of my nephew yelling out for Noah and I knew exactly who was in the house. Not a moment sooner did my mom and Morgan walk arm in arm into the kitchen. The tension in the room became so thick.

Noticing the awkward silence, mom walked Morgan over to where I was standing. "Look, I don't know why y'all was scrapping, but y'all are sisters. Nothing should tear y'all apart. Now both of you, go on the porch and work this out. Seeing y'all upset with each other got my blood pressure all high and shit!" I haven't heard my mom cuss in years, so I know this is bad. "Mom it's Sunday, stop cursing!"

"What? It's the truth! Hell the lord knows I a'int that good of a Christian yet!", she yelled back at us as she exited the kitchen. We both couldn't help but laugh at her antics.

Lounging in the sunroom, we sat in silence before Morgan finally decided to speak up. "Look, I'm sorry for what went down that night. It shouldn't have escalated that far. I shouldn't have swung on you, but I'm not the only one in the wrong. Yes we both said some hurtful shit, but you took it too far."

"I know, I'm sorry for what I said about you. All of it, what I said about Keith, about you being a hoe, what I said about Woody. You know I would never do that, I just said it to get under your skin. And I didn't mean to accuse you of lying about what happened back—"

"No, its fine. Look after what happened me and him had a talk." My eyes widened just thinking about how that conversation went. I nervously laughed, "You didn't try and kill him did you?"

"No, although I wanted to at first. Even though I don't necessarily approve of what y'all have been doing, he made me realize it isn't necessarily any of my business. Although you're my baby sister, you are grown and you can make your own decisions, good or bad."

"Well, I'm glad your not mad about it anymore. But I'm still unsure. I don't know why he just didn't tell me the complete truth from the beginning."

"Jasmin, I've been around this man for five years. No one knows why he does the things he does. Regardless of what you think, what we had died a long time ago. I'm beyond happy with Woody, Prince is...well he is whatever but he loves you. You may entertain Keith but I think you're heart is with Prince."

I rolled my eyes at her statement. "How do you know? Did he tell you that?" She nodded. "Well I'll need to hear those words come from his mouth. And even still, I don't know if I could believe it. Would you believe those words coming from the mouth of a married man?"

"Honestly, I don't know. But clearly he's not happily married, Mayte pretty much lives full time in Spain and when he's done touring I'm pretty sure he'll be in Chanhassen."

"Morgan since when were you rooting for me and him?"

"Who says I am? I'm just saying that he makes you happy and thats a big deal compared to where you were before you met him."

"Yeah, but he also stresses me the hell out sometimes. Umm, Keith makes me happy too."

She cut her eyes at me and readjusted on the wicker sofa. "Oh please, don't act like Keith doesn't stress you out too. And his immature ass makes you happy in a different way. Honestly, I don't understand what you see in him." She claims she's not rooting for P, but she's definitely not a fan of Keith. Keith might not be perfect, but he's more of a sure bet.

"What is up with you and Tori ganging up on Keith? He's not that—"

"He's an asshole! But thats neither here nor there. Look regardless what you decide to do in life, I still love you. We should never fight over any petty stuff like that. We all we got, you know we're rocking with each other 'til the casket drops." Here she goes being all sappy. "When God was choosing who to bless me with as my little sister, he said me and you were what?"

She extended her pinky out and I locked mine around it. "MTB, he said that we were Meant To Be."

Pulling me into her embrace, Morgan wiped away her fake tears. "Jazz, you don't understand how lonely me and AJ were at the house without y'all." Oh please, she had Woody there. I could clock her bluff a mile away. "Whatever you say, but if I had to spend another week in this house, I would've went crazy. Besides, Dad would've beat my ass if I snuck Keith in here!"

"That would be a hell of a first meeting for those two. Now can we go back inside? It's so cold, I feel like my nipples are about to fall off!" We walked back into the warm kitchen hand in hand.

It felt good to have my sister back.