Things We Lost In the Fire

Forever In My Life

I just needed a change. With everything that was coming at me full speed, I felt like I needed to get out of Minnesota for a while. I wasn't necessarily trying to get away from him, I just needed to get away period. I could've used some of my vacation days but Hanna reminded me that my information was still in the travel nursing agency's database. All I had to do was make a few calls and next thing you know, we had our bags packed and we were on our way to Orlando. I could've went anywhere but my brother and his family live there.

A part of me felt like it was wrong that I didn't tell P I was leaving, but Tori reminded me that he doesn't control me and that I can make decisions for myself. Going to Florida was hands down the best decision, it was the temporary escape I needed. I felt the need to try new things. I went vegan for a good three days, swore off any non-natural medications, hell I ALMOST got a tattoo, almost. Randomly one morning I grabbed the scissors and cut off several inches of my hair, far exceeding the split ends I set out to get rid off. Staring at my reflection as I fluffed out my now shoulder length curls, I felt liberated as fuck!

As the scorching heat beamed down on me, I managed to finish the letter I had started weeks before. I don't even know how long I debated with myself about sending that letter off before I took the plunge. In my heart, I knew that was the best thing to do because my emotions would have been all over the place if I would've picked up the phone and called him.

I found it so insane how while I was at work, my mind drifted to thoughts of him and a few minutes later he had called my phone. When I called him back later that night, before he could fully lay out how he felt about the letter, I addressed what he had said in the voicemail.

Although I missed him as well, I firmly told him there was no way I could come home, not just yet. I guess he thought I was just being stubborn and in a way punishing him. Judging by how quiet the line became, I knew he was mad. I had to let him know that I was under a contract and I couldn't leave until my job assignment was over. I reassured him that the time would go by fast.

When we touched down in Minneapolis at the end of July, the majority of our four day trip was surrounded by family. I didn't even tell P I was in town because I knew if I laid my eyes on him, I wouldn't want to go back to Orlando. Regardless, my sole purpose for coming back home wasn't to see him anyways, it was for my sister.

The remaining weeks flew past and I grew more and more anxious to see him. I was just praying my leave of absence hadn't caused even more of a rift in our relationship.

September 11, 1999

I can't believe my big sister is finally getting married. These last few weeks since I have been back have been non-stop chaos with last minute wedding preparation. Since I've been doing my best to keep Morgan calm, I haven't even allowed myself to be upset at the fact that I still have not seen P. He's been god know's where these last two weeks.

On top of that, it took everything in me last night to hold my tongue and not cuss Keith out during the rehearsal dinner. Somehow, I conveniently forgot that he was the best man and I unfortunately have to walk down the aisle with him.

As the remnants of my anger threatened to come back, the faint cooing of my newborn nephew caused a Kool-Aid smile to form on my face. Taking him from my mother's grasp, I kissed Aiden on his round cheeks as I laid him on my chest. I couldn't get over his little dimples and how he was the most perfect milk chocolate drop. Everybody says he looks like Morgan did when she was a baby, but I think he's a perfect mixture of the two.

Closing my eyes so the makeup artist could finish blending my eyeshadow, I sensed a presence close to me. Jesenia cleared her throat. "So you never finished telling me about that animosity between you and Keith last night."