Saving Scout O'Brian

35- Our Future

The first time I saw my daughter after she was born, I thought to myself, she looks nothing like him. But as she continued to grow, she clearly started to develop into his nose, his eye-shape, parts of him were scattered throughout her small body but thankfully never straying into her mind. I never hated Charlotte or blamed her for her fathers misdeeds. She may look like him but she was nothing like him. So why was it, that Antionette Graham was calling me up five years later, just now interested in seeing their beloved granddaughter?

My knuckles turned white with fury as I replayed every scenario in my head of my time in their house. Every time I screamed for his enjoyment. His laughter rang through my head as the phone slipped through my fingers, breaking open as he shattered me into pieces.

My chest heaved with air, my head bowed over the bathroom sink. Slowly, I raised my head to look at the girl in the mirror. Her eyes were wild with panic, madness, sickness. A soft knock came at the door; Evelyn of course.

"Can I come in?" I admired the fact that she didn't ask me if I was okay. Everyone already knew I wasn't when I threw up the glorious dinner we'd made.

"Please." My voice was scratchy and hoarse from screaming at the woman on the other side of the state. Evelyn slowly opened the door, no rushing in her movements which calmed my insanity greatly. She took one look at my face; a ruined mess of mascara and lipstick and eye-makeup, and started the shower.

I tried not to shudder as she unraveled me, removing me of the sweatshirt and jeans I wore until I stood in front of her in my granny panties and plain nude bra. There was no sexual purpose when she placed her lips to my shoulder as she reached around to undo my bra. I just let her take care of me, to busy with trying to stay part of this world to do anything about my physical state.

I shivered, but it didn't last long as steam built up the room. I could feel her fingertips on my hip bones now, her eyes on me for acceptance. "Take it off." I gasped, tears slipping down my cheeks as pain rippled through my body. She did, nearly tearing the fabric before she scooped me into her arms and stepped into the shower with me, fully clothed.

"Your clothes!" I protested. She shh'd me and closed her eyes, her head in the spray of the water.

"Take them off for me?" I stilled, my heart beating fast in my chest as my fingers brushed her black shirt. She didn't move, just waiting for me. I trailed my hand down to the ends of her shirt and pulled it over her head, admiring the skin that bunched before me. With each article of clothing that I removed, removed a little more of my pain and restored to me what was reality.

Then her bare chest was pressed against mine and her face was in my hair, my neck. Her lips were on my skin, her fingertips at the small of my back. I inhaled, she breathed out. Our heartbeats synchronized, our bodies memorizing each other.

"When does it end?" I cried, shaking in her arms. "I don't want to see him anymore. I don't want him in my head. But he's there, still playing with my mind, still torturing me, inside me. When will it end? With me?" Evelyn didn't respond right away, but her silver eyes met mine, sending clouds of love to push away the storm clouds above my head.

"Yes, with you. The day you decided to keep that baby girl out there, the day you decided to let me kiss you, the day you let me buy you ice cream even though it drove you nuts. Those days are yours. He didn't make those." Her soft spoken words soothed my aching soul but my body still suffered. I couldn't stop the cries from rocking my body, as memories fled through my brain. Logically, I knew what this was. I knew that I was trying to let him go, that my body was trying to dispel him, memories of him. But my mind couldn't seem to understand.