Killer Kandy

Let's Be Honest Here

I'm not going to sugar coat anything here, so let's skip the the good and bad, and get straight to the ugly. I'm not bsing this process again like I did previously in Coming Clean, because this time I'm not leaving out the "bad food days" I have.

That would not only be lying to you, readers, but I would be lying to myself. And not be selfish, because I really don't view this as being self-centered, rather just in tune with my body's needs, but I think personally deceiving yourself is even worse than lying to others, because you are the root of all your problems. Cheating and omitting bad parts just makes them more okay and fine, but they are not 'fine', they hurt you, even if it's unintentional.

Today was a not very nutritious day...

I started off pretty bad since I didn't really have enough to eat at lunch, only eating one overly ripe banana and three strawberries, which let me tell you for a fruit lover is not sufficient in anyway. Vegan or not vegan. Then after school, my friend and I headed over to the local library to do homework and tasks, but both of us were hangry so we decided to get some food.

Strike #1: I am broke, meaning I didn't have enough money to buy a larger smoothie. Meaning I was still sorta hungry.

After our study session, I wasn't hungry. But when I arrived home, guess what I did... made a beeline straight to fridge... Strike #2.

God, I'm so helpless sometimes... It's not even funny.

Dinner number one was pretty dang healthy not gonna lie, I had my usual large bowl of salad with sriracha sauce, one head of lettuce, and half an avocado, cuz avo is life, ya know.

But then hell broke loose.

Strike #3: I opened the vegan crack. Yes, I know sadly I succumbed to digging into the Lara Bar's Chocolate and Coconut Spread that I showed in my previous entry, and had a few scoops of that. Then in order to balance out all that sweetness, I found it then necessary to eat those damn jalapeño topping fry things. Then because I was on a salty kick from those topping fries, I grabbed probably around 5 just plain, white mini bread buns and ate those with ketchup.

What the hell is wrong with me? Am I pregnant?

And after because I'm a complete piglet, and not the one created by Walt Disney, the one that scrambles and fights for food, I horked down probably 7 handfuls of cocoa puffs, and don't worry they were the organic vegan kind... such bs, they are still terrible for me either way.

Oh and don't forget the cherry one top, oh wait did I say cherry, I meant MORE CHOCOLATE COCONUT SPREAD... DAMMIT. I'm truly the definition of a human disposal, this isn't even natural how much I eat... AND I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY WHEN I DO THIS!!!

Then just to cut through all that sweetness again, I ate a pickle.

Way to go me... *raises a white flag* I'm finally done shoveling food down that empty abyss called my stomach.

I honestly don't feel ashamed or sad when I do it, it's just afterward everything feel gross and just nasty in my stomach.

my bras are too small now. I have stretch marks. I go to bed on average around midnight on school days.

Something, no, I mean everything has to change. This is killing me.

I want to feel vibrant and amazing and full of rainbows, unicorns, and sparkles, not depression, body-hatred, and self-loathing. I'm done feeling that way. So this is my current plan:

I'm going to follow this, probably not by the dot, because this is all about progress not perfection, but I'm going to try and follow this 95% of the time. Probably going to in cooperate more protein sources such as low sodium beans, tofu, and tempeh in my diet cuz I wanna gain some muscle as well. So yeppers. Ultimately before my goal was just to weigh 115lbs. but, now it's just to look and feel my best. Which is really all you can ask from me, since I'm doing this for me and not some group of people who praise #bodygoals and #fitinspo. I'm sick of that.

And no shade to those of you who enjoy that type of stuff, but personally for me it made my body confidence shrink drastically just by looking at the 'sexy' and 'hot' bodies of women who were in shape. Just show how really insecure I am, and how easily malleable and mold-able I really am to the whole world. And I'm done feeling scared, ashamed, and vulnerable.

I want to feel strong.

This isn't just a remind for women, but also for men. If you feel helpless, fat, and just plain self conscious 24/7 things need to change. Now.

You are the only one who can change this thing called life for yourself. Sure, there might be that physician and therapist that guides you along that way, but you really were the one to decide "I'm done feeling this way, and I'm going to change," and that's why you went in the first place.

So first, pat on the back if you did that.

I'm really tired of procrastinating, and letting social media ruin and run my life, and my self values. I'm done. So hurrah to me, I've officially decided to permanently delete all social media. I can't handle it. It is just a trigger that also initiates my terrible eating habits, as well as postponing mandatory duties as a student.

So cheers to you if you made it through this whole thing, I'm glad you stuck around. And if you so much feel compelled, come and join my journey to revival by building and tracking your own story of success at #gaininghealth, cuz I'd absolutely love to see you reach your dreams as well. Not to mention, what you have to say is important. So never let anyone silence you, not even yourself.

Love,

P.S. had no idea that #gaininghealth wasn't actually a tag of Wattpad, *chuckles awkwardly..*