I'm not a doctor, and you're not my patient.
Eat these words at your own risk.
***
Some dark themes and terrible humor may be included... viewer discretion advised *awkwardly shrugs*
I'm probably the least qualified person to be telling you this, because I struggle to even be honest with myself. But for the first time in a really long time, I just want to really love living my life. I want to be okay with how I look. I want to be okay with what I eat, how I eat, and all that jazz.
I don't want to overly fret that I don't look a certain way and that I don't meet a certain "healthy" BMI. I don't want to place myself as default because I see myself as less than others around me. I want to spread love, but how can I spread love and clearly declare that message when I don't even love myself and the decisions I make.
After eating dairy and meat from being vegan for close to 10 months, I've noticed just how addictive and terrible that food is for a person. Every time I would tell myself that tomorrow is the day that I'd go full cold turkey and be vegan again, I would fall to chocolate chips and all this other food that was full of milk and cheese.
And afterwards I would just try and console myself that I'm young and it's not a big deal, but it is a big deal, and just letting my self-hatred quietly fester is one of the worst things I do. And I tend to do it quite a bit and just push it back and back until I just eventually explode in a piñata full of pent up emotion. And let's just say what's falling out isn't treats and candies, it's tears, filled with hate, sadness, and this sense of feeling like nothing.
So even though I continue to really struggle with who I am as a person, and what I stand for, I will continue to endure this, and fight my inner demons, because in the end I can fight the facts that my horrid, dietary habits will lead me to my own death. A very sad one at that, seeing as right now I have the power and ability to stop it and create a healthier, better pathway of living for myself.
So without anymore digression, I just want to put it out there, that posts will be everyday, even on 'em weekends. They will include what I eat based on this app called 'Lose It', and I will sorta factor in caloric intake, but mainly I just want to focus on eating real foods again, and fixing my taste buds. Let's be real for a second, a month of on and off consumption of dairy and meat-laden foods really fuck up your taste buds.
Also I want to put out a DISCLAIMER right now: for a little bit, I might be undereating, but just understand it's because I'm in an adjusting period of having to adapt to the voluminous foods such as leafy greens again, and I just might not get in a lot of calories. Don't be scared though, because remember people just have some of those days where they eat a lot, and others where they'll just not be hungry. I'm human, so remember I will experience so of those days, so please don't be scared for me. I'm just adjusting.
Breakfast will always just be straight up fruit. Let's get that out of the way right now, whether it be like 7 clementines, 3 apples, or like 3 bananas, I will always, ALWAYS eat fruit for breakfast. I just cannot function without fruit in the morning, and even when I was eating dairy and meat-heavy foods for the past month or so, I always ate fruit in the morning. It's just sorta a habit now.
Lunch will be very much vegetable based once I get my rhythm going on this adjustment to a whole plant food lifestyle. I want to eat salads more often, especially incorporating dark, leafy, greens, whether be steamed or raw, I want to start getting the proper nutrients in my body a natural way.
Dinner will focus on proteins, such as beans, including a hefty amount of greens, and maybe some type of starch if I really need to add more calories in. But for the time being, it'll be a lot of greens and beans I think.
Anyway, I just want to tell you tomorrow is going to be one of those days where I don't eat a whole lot because I ate like a pig today, feasting on cookies, cheese, and canadian bacon. I'm not proud, I just want to state the truth. And even though it's not a valid excuse for my poor eating, my family isn't the healthiest, we have a lot of terrible, tempting foods everywhere in the household.
But I WILL NOT FAIL this time. I'm determined, and even if I have to literally lock myself up, I will so I can finally be over all this self-hate and this promotion of torture of animals. I'm doing this for me, because I want to be happy.
I want to be happy.
I want to live.
I want to love myself.
Have a great day/night,
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P.S. sorry for the crap signature, I erased my good version.... lol. Have an awesome life... peace out girls scouts... <3
