Killer Kandy

Under the Weather

I'm so sick of being bloated and feeling so useless all the time. Why is food so addictive? Why do I have such a weak resolve? Why can't I just be happy with what I eat and feel happy after eating it?
My relationship with food is complicated just like most things in my life. I can really make them the easiest and most simple things on the planet if I just be less restrictive and more forgiving, but no. I have to be abusive and ignorant of my body's needs and destroy what matters. What I will be living in for the rest of my life will be an empty shell of what it used to be if I don't care for it now. I don't want to have to think about food all the time. I don't want to be thinking, am I hungry or is that a craving? Or should I have this cookie or will binge?
I'm going to start listening to my own needs and really thinking about what my body needs. If I'm not hungry, I'm not gonna eat. Simple as that. And I'm going to drink plenty of water. I'm going to be mainly raw foods. And I'm gonna eat what makes me feel and live to my fullest potential.
So much I my life I always compare my body and my abilities to others, but I need to come to the conclusion that they are so different from me. And I am so different from them. The way their stomachs look and they shape of their bodies are their own, and I will never look like that. I can only look the way I look from the inside out. And all anyone can probably see anymore is just a fragile and insecure little girl inside screaming to be saved from suffocating in her own poisonous thoughts.
My mind can be absolutely toxic, but during other times it can be such a tranquil and heavenly palace filled with hope and great truth.
Most of the time it's just stuffed up with all my personal shit that I can't contain all the time and try to resolve it my binging out on food.
Most of the time I fall into this subconscious trance state and can't really escape until my phone dies. My phone is an absolute addiction. And I can't help but think it also contributes massively to my obsessive eating issues.
I'm sick of being sick.
If I'm going to be sick, it better the be adjective to describe that I kick ass.
So I think I'll take more baby steps and just cut out anything majorly processed. Anything with more than three ingredients will be ignored. I just want to focus on feeling good and being able to workout successfully without feeling like shit the whole time.
And I was reminded today that little things are the things that count. They add up, whether they good or bad.

I'm done being a ignorant shit head and slacking off on gaining my health. This is my life and I have control.

Grab life by the reigns,