Killer Kandy

Empty Promises

I am full of them. 

And everyday I wake up with a newfound sense of pride and motivation to doing everything humanly possible, that I think is perfect. However, I end up doing nothing. 

Do you know how shameful it is to know that right when you come home and you open that fridge of yours, knowing your bound to break and eat the unhealthy foods that when you place in your mouth, have really no true flavor or meaning to you, but you just think to yourself... damn, this tastes good... because you body is just innately programmed to crave fatty and most calorie dense foods in order to survive. 

Everyday this whole week food wise has been a constant let down.. and I can't seem to break the chronic cycle that is killing me internally. 

Everyone says:

Drink water

Eat healthy 

Exercise

That's all you need to change to get that 'dream body' of yours within 3-4 months, queue the perfect TV commercial smile. Three basic things you need to follow, and highly suggested in that order as well. Because when you successfully follow the precursor before, you're more likely to succeed in the other areas.

Well let me tell you something, eating for show is a nasty habit, just like ripping apart your finger nails out of anxiety, or pulling out hair because of the overwhelming feeling of aloofness. All of which I have done, and I'm still recovering from. 

Something I don't naturally tell people is that I am not healthy, I constantly feel fat, and I'm completely out of shape. 

And I hate to admit it, so at points, I don't . It's called ignorant effing bliss. 

And my inner demons thrive off it. 

I'm not going to list off all the crap I ate, because you've seen it all before... except in more moderation. 

I think I have a trigger food for good eating, and a trigger food for poor eating. 

Salads before dinner are my poor eating trigger because then afterward I feel like 'Oh, I ate all my greens... now I can eat whatever I want'. But my good trigger food is green smoothies, because they fill me up fast, I don't crave weird things to offset the taste. I know that I have to finish that smoothie, so I do... slowly. 

But when I eat my salads with copious amounts of hot sauce, GAME OVER. I'm an absolute goner. No way am I able to stand against anything salty, then not balance it out with something sickeningly sweet to cut the sodium. 

So I think I focus on way too many things to change at once, so the next three weeks, I'm going to focus on gaining my health back... mainly focused on eating habits and exercise (exercise specifically after 5.5.17 because that's my AP exam). 

So social media? okay. 

Binge watching movies? okay. 

So long as I focus on intuitive eating and knowing what I put into my body, and knowing it healthy and will help me, I will be fine with it. 

I should only focus on one thing, then when I get better at that, and feel comfortable to move onto the next set of goals, I will. 

Slow and steady wins the race. Plus, turtles are way better than hares... psssh. 

Know your limits, 

P.S. Sorry if this was depressing, hopefully with a better mindset, tomorrow will be better.