Killer Kandy

When Life Gives You Legs

... you move.

How insincere and douchey of me. I can't justify my absence for these past months, because I have no excuse. But I find that writing, at least my personal thoughts down, allows me to just unwind and think about all the choices I've made over the course of the day, the week, the month, the year.

And let me tell you, they haven't been the most impeccable decisions. I've been lacking, procrastinating, ignoring, and just flat out pushing all the things that I really care about off the the sidelines of my life. Why do I continue to fall to my guilty pleasures of immersing myself in this unrealistic and virtual fantasy, called the internet, specifically being YouTube.

Now, granted, this platform can be used to help educate and effectively help those who need advice, assistance, and further explanation upon important topics of interest -- things of actual value, that can give one insight on cultures, traditions, school subjects, and an infinite myriad of other things that I can't even fathom.

But I never, or should I say on very rare occasion use it for the intention of education. I use it as my escape, fantasy, my safe haven.

But that isn't real life... and to be frank the vlogs I watch and all the breaktaking performances of amazing artists I discover on this laptop I will never actually meet or achieve such outstanding feats as them if I'm a socially awkward hemmitt that never leaves her room.

The one video that actually elicited this sense that I should be somewhat productive and write out this entry was Casey Neistat's, my addiction, video. Being as I've dropped swimming and decided to not do it anymore other than summer swim and high school swim team, I want to try something new.

I want to become a runner. No, scratch that, I need to become a runner. I've for the past three years really wanted to get into running, and that's not even breaking the surface as to all the sports I actually want to try out and practice on a frequent basis. I wanted to try out tennis at one point, and cheerleading, and gymnastics, and basketball, and archery... and the list goes on.

For the longest time all I've ever been saying is I want, I want, I want.

But do I really know what I want, and even if I do, that am I really willing to put in the effort to achieve what I want?

I'm sick of not only neglecting these imperative questions in life, I'm done tolerating my half-assed effort. I sick of feeling like, "Oh crap, I could have studied last night for the test, but instead I found this really interesting variety show on YouTube and decided to watch that instead of studying.." or "God, I'm so overweight, I gained 15 pounds over the course of the start of this school year... I should go on a diet", then proceed to overeat on 2 pint of ice cream that aren't even mine.

I'm done hiding. I'm done being so vulnerable. If I want to succeed in my lifetime, I just need to stop making such bullshit excuses and go after what I want and all my aspirations. Regardless of whether it's the popular opinion or not, if I really want to lead a certain type of life and live a certain type of way, I need to work hard for it.

I'm done procrastinating. I'm done eating shitty animal products that are insidiously killing me inside, and I'm aware of it but don't care enough to do anything about it. I'm done being so dependent upon others and taking for granted all that they give and support me. I'm done being so wasteful and ungrateful for all that I have and all that there is. I'm done looking in the mirror and just seeing a mess of insecurity, mistakes, and lies.

For 2018, I want to have a clean slate, but I now realize that that's such a bullshit excuse to procrastinate and just set off all my goals for a "new year". I'm just reusing my old ways and expecting a different outcome, and that my friends is the definition of insanity.

There I said it, I'm kinda insane. Not going to deny it anymore, seeing as you guys can probably already see it from my preceding posts about being a better person, eating healthier, etc. And seeing as there hasn't been very much progress, hell, I'd say I've gone back a whole staircase, seeing as I now have thoughts about calorie restricting and starving myself, when in reality I'm overeating...

I'm never going to say I'm perfect, but I will say, I'm trying to be the best version of myself from this point forward. In the end, there will always be support and that can always give you so much happiness and glee, but at the end of the day, only the individual themself determines whether they want to stride toward their aspirations of happiness and satisfaction or not.

I'll being making entries everyday for the next two months, hopefully being thorough with all my thoughts and practices.

Just know there are setbacks, but overcoming said setbacks is what sets you apart from everyone else who just accepts something that isn't their best.

Wishing you inner peace and happiness,

J. Jewel

xoxo