Killer Kandy

Back for Permanent Residency

*nervous grin*

Hi, sorry about the random like 2 week pause there, I don't really have an excuse for failing you for the past week or so, just that I was unmotivated. But other than that, I'm getting my shit together which is pretty darn sweet to me. I just ate a good salad and two mangoes, and prepared one for my lunch tomorrow.

Other than the fact that I bombed my geometry test today, and feel like a utter failure in that class, everything else is going fine and dandy. I've dropped just about 5lbs. which is great, and today was my first day heading into summer swim club, so I got to workout a bit and get to know some pretty amazing people.

My aim is to just be healthy, and so far I'm doing a passably well, not that I'm some fancy athletic chick, though I wish I was, I'm getting back into exercising consistently. And I've come to realize that though I exercise to reform myself physically, it does way more mentally than physically. And I'm not just coped up on a lazy-boy recliner gobbling down like 6 popsicles in complete loneliness, in an effort to feel comfort and acceptance from something.

Emotional eating is not eating, it is abuse. Sure it make help you cope with the stress and anxiety you feel at that specific point in time, but during the aftermath of the emotional episode of recklessness, you feel like dirt.

No, you feel lower than dirt. You feel like a piece of shit that should be cast off from the whole world. And if you don't fall down to that dark of a place the first few times like me, you'll eventually drop so low you can go down anymore.

And that's where you wake the f*ck up and do something about your sadness and constant feelings of isolation.

You go to a therapist.

You do exercise to get your mind off of shit in your life.

You start meditating for mental health.

You do something because you realize that life shouldn't be spent in depression and empty emotions and holes in your life.

So do what you need to do to get yourself in a better place. Whether that be physically or mentally, you try and make your life better than it is now, because you are f*cking worth every ounce of effort.

Take my advice and DO NOT FALL INTO A PIT OF SORROW. Don't do what I did and eat away pain, and don't seek out some other harmful way to escape your reality. Because when you wake up from that high, you'll feel even lower than you initially started.

You don't deserve to experience any of that. No one really does.

But, I digress, thanks for reading this if you did, I really appreciate you. You make my day just knowing you may feel a bit better after reading my sappy AF entries. I'm here to permanently stay and I'm not going anywhere. And you shouldn't either if these entries are helping you in anyway. :)

I'll never really be perfect, but I can be my own perfect in my eyes. I can only dictate how I look at myself, and real talk right now, I starting hating on my body in the 8th grade, complaining that I gained like 3 pounds or something minute in the grand scheme of things.

And I wasn't even overweight. Sure I had larger arms than most girls, and I had an extra layer of fat on my torso, but I wasn't and still am not obese or overweight in any way, shape, or form.

I still have big arms.

I still have fat on my stomach.

But I remind myself that big arms are because I swim, and I'm strong and good at butterfly and freestyle because of that. And I have fat to help my insulate my body. I'm luck to have fat because on the other end of the spectrum, children are starving and literally just skin and bones, while I'm being ignorant and inconsiderate of their even harder position than me.