Killer Kandy

Reckless Abandon

Have you ever read those sex scenes on Wattpad or novels just in general, and they're all like, and I threw my head back in reckless abandon, feeling nothing but pure euphoria... and stuff of that context. 

Well, that's me on an eating rampage. And though my body loves it, my mind is consciously screwing with me telling myself I'm an uncontrollably addicted to food and I'll never be able to exercise self-control and moderation when eating less healthy food choices. 

I have an abusive relationship with food. 

Today was one of those days . I mean I followed everything I said before to a tee, eating a piece of fruit for breakfast, then overnight oats for lunch, accompanied with a pear. However, when I came home to dinner things started to fall apart. A lot. I mean I had a large salad, with a head and a half of lettuce, then one whole avocado since it was a lot more lettuce. That was fine, I can understandably add more veggies and healthy fats in my diet, since it does great things for your body, but you know how I said I wasn't going to add hot sauce... well, hehe I did. 

And I think I did it out of habit. 

So tomorrow my focus will be on just trying to use lemon juice as a nice cut through all the watery lettuce, instead of the unnecessary and uber salty Cholula Hot Sauce.  So I did happen to overeat today, but not to the point of feeling like I'm going to explode like I used to to, just a little overly full to the point of knowing and feeling my stomach protrude out of its normal shape. 

And after the salad I was honestly not hungry afterward, so I don't really understand why I continued to eat. 

After the salad, I balanced the saltiness with sweetness consuming a whole small-ish container of raspberries:

Afterward, I thought, well, I wanna eat something salty again... shame on me for falling into bad habits, since then after I had the leftovers of chickpea pasta from yesterday with that hot sauce and a good dollop of smart balance to make it more 'rich'... I'm sucha fat ass.

I didn't take anymore pictures because then I started feeling helpless and ashamed, so I caved and crawled into basement and practically ate a whole bag of tortilla chips with some salsa. Then after eating and binge watching Youtube for a good hour and a half, I decided to come up and eat another type of Vegan Crack: (sorry for the poor picture quality)

Which is pretty much cookie butter you could smear on anything and it would taste bomb. And then sadly I ate some of those nasty Jalapeño crisps afterward to offset the overpowering sweetness of the dessert spread. 

I think I've come to realize I really don't enjoy half the things I put into my body, I just put them in because I can and because the are there , not because they are good for me and will help me feel good. 

Because in complete honesty, I sick of being constipated. I'm sick of being bloated. I'm sick of constantly be self-conscious of everything and everyone around me. And I'm done trying to fit and be something I'm not. 

I'm not a helpless little teenager that can't do anything herself, I know I've bent over backwards before to be extraordinary and I know I can do it again. This journey I have to continuously remind myself is for me, to gain self respect and confidence, and not to be validated by what others think is 'perfect' for me. I'm the keeper of my own body, so I should treat it with respect. 

It's fine to feel down sometimes, like I did today. But we need to remember to get back up, brush yourself off, and march in like you effing own the place, because in your eyes you should always be the leader of anything you want, and never be subjected to what others think is 'better' for you, when you know your limits and boundaries. 

By the way, I've also decide that I want to eliminate mobile distractions while out and about one social events and outings, so I have decided to completely delete and never download again, Youtube, my Wattpad app, and Pinterest. And these will be the only recreational apps I'll have hence forward:

So from this point forward I swear to God to you guys, I'm going to be and do my very best at what I'm able to do. I will track every morsel of food I put in my body for the next 60 days, and let you know how I feel almost every damn day. 

Be gorgeously you, 

P.S. Let me know which entries you prefer, longer more personal accounts, or short food snippets. I'll be sure to add the ones you guys prefer more. :)