if i told you i knew what i was doing in that moment, i'd be telling the biggest lie of my life.
it all happened so fast, like a reflex. like when the doctor taps your knee to see if it moves and you don't even notice until you hit your foot back on the edge of the examination table. like when someone does that joke where they put their hand next to your face and pretend to slap you, so you flinch. like when you see the person you love most get pushed off a building so you dive to protect them.
josh was everything i had left. sure, there were acquaintances like daisy, maybe some good friends like tyler and jenna. and maybe even cassandra. she always cared.
it wasn't until i was air born i started to think about all i was doing. i didn't even know if josh was pushed with me. would he go to my funeral? would i have a funeral? i've said i don't want a funeral to jenna. will she speak up?
am i a suicide? was i a suicide? it wasn't a murder. it only would have been a murder if josh fell.
i opened my eyes regretfully to see the top of the building getting farther and farther away, but it was going so slow. my clothes were flapping in the wind wildly, but i wasn't moving. nothing was. i saw everything around me, i looked down and saw the ground and the cars, people were pointing at me, some gasping. funny how they don't know me and act like they care.
i closed my eyes again, seeing a light behind them. had i hit the ground? it was taking impossibly long to get to the ground. just let me die already god damn it.
then i started thinking back. my graduation, josh's generosity, cassandra coming back, her manipulative ways. it made me laugh a little.
we all get caught up in our petty little problems here on earth, it's all that matters right? that is until you die.
we focus on all these emotions we've made up between ourselves like they're real. but what about when the sun gets closer to dying? what about when the bees die out? what about when an asteroid possibly hits earth? all those are real.
we don't focus on forwarding ourselves, we focus on "'peace." whatever that is. but, in the end, we're all the exact same. no one is special, everyone dies.
i just never thought i would too.
