To love you ..

My Little one

"No no no no. Watch your words Steven." I rolled my eyes, laughing. I pulled up the question that i wanted to ask them, 'did they already have sex?'

The afternoon that we spent at the beach was really good. Alistaire really loves the beach, like i did. She asked me for a pale and started to collect some shells. She told me that it's the things that Ariel have in the little mermaid. Which is good, because she's really watching that movie attentively.

Somehow i told to myself that maybe, just maybe, Althea have my little baby in heaven while i took care of her angel here. I hope she's looking after my baby boy.

The darkness started, we already have the dinner by the beach. Porch lights was lit around the table while the waves of the sea became a background music. Everything went perfect. Small talks that we all had, no negative issues to tackle on.

After the dinner, barbecue party started. Jason and Steven already drink beers while us, ladies have some wines. A bonfire was set on the center and we're really enjoying it. Sandy and Alistaire was dancing around the fire, cool little ones. I'm excited when they become a teen and go to bar. But i think i will have some body guards around my baby girl by that time.

We are all sitting on the beach chairs, the bonfire and the porch lights was still giving us the light. Cold air was hitting my flesh, as i was wearing a beach dress reaching my mid thigh. After we swam a while ago, we managed to have a quick shower and get dress. We can't say no to our moms, that was asking us to get dress for the dinner.

"It's true Steph, we did it there." Steven continued his story. Ohh, poor Anika. She's blushing with all the embarassment that we are giving to them. Steven told us that they did that thing, night after their JS promenade.

"Babe, would you please stop telling them. I feel so embarassed." Anika buried her head on her hand, with that red cheeks on her. We just laughed at them. Too cute, we're like them when our moms interrogated us before.

"Ohh, honey, your lucky that i was the one who asked you that, if it's Mom and Lucy, every details, you need to discuss it." I laughed and the looks that my Mom and Lucy was giving me, oh crap!

"I'm not going to wait for that day." Anika laughed then rolled her eyes. Never messed up with the rich model bestfriends, Mom and Lucy. They are the weirdest and smartest in their own way.

A wind blew around us and that made us stop talking. Silence filled the air and water waves reign the moment. I looked over my fiancèe that was still holding his can of beer. His on his deep thought, his sight was glued on the now dark blue water. He noticed that i was looking at him, he just gave me a small smile then gulp his beer again.

"Steph. How do you feel now?" Mom asked. It was the last thing that i want them to ask to me, 'how i am now?'. I can see from my sight, that Jason's body froze. I don't know but until now, we are forcing ourselves to forget the miscarriage but it keeps on dragging us.

"I'm good. We're good, really." I smiled weakly. I looked over Alistaire and Sandy that keeps on holding the sticks of mallows on their hands.

"I know, we know actually. That you're trying to be okay. But i want to ask this, how do you feel towards your friends and sister?" Mom looked at me with such concern in her eyes. I sighed and closed my eyes. I'm trying to get the best answer that i can get. I felt like drowning about the question that Mom asked. Ever since that i had the miscarriage, i was scared to face my friends and my sister. I feel so insecure, hurt and lost.

"I'm not that idiot to say that i'm happy or what. Honestly, i'm so hurt. I want to see them, but everytime i put on my mind that they are still carrying their babies with them, i want to hurt myself. Hurt myself for not taking care of my baby.." I sighed. I want to cry, but i know it can't help me. I looked over the water, looking for myself. Where is the old Steph?

"How are you coping out with this?" Lucy asked before i continue what i am stating. Steven and Jason was sitting across me and Anika, looking me with  tears on their eyes. Anika was rubbing my back smoothly, comforting me.

"I'm trying all my best to ignore the miscarriage. Almost two months had passed, i'm still looking for my bump, my cravings and those sickness. This morning, i promised to myself that i will get back to the old me. I swear i already accept the fact that i lost our baby." I smiled. Jason was looking at me, shaking his head, telling me that to stop, but i want to continue this.

"We're happy. Super happy. We can have another, as soon as we want. I swear, Jason was amazing, he helped with everything." I softly said. Anika hugged me, giving me a sisterly act. That's right, i felt complete again, not like before. I felt arms wrapped behind me, pulling me. Anika released me from the hug as this large arms comforts me. Putting me on his lap, cradling me. Jason really knows me.

"Please have another one, i want a second grand child." Lucy giggled. We all want to get me pregnant again, it will come soon. It will.

"Mom.." Jason softly groaned. He continue to rock my body, comforting me. I wrapped my arm on his neck, sitting horizontally on his lap.

"Mom, i'm sleepy." Sandy pulled Mom's arms. I glanced at my watch, well it's late now. That's why my little energy ball, was just sitting on the sand, on her deep thought.

"We'll go up now. Night everyone." Mom stood up from the chair. Kissing us all, leaving us here. Later on Lucy said her goodnights too and then Steven and Anika followed. Jason and i remained sitting on the chairs, as our helper was cleaning up the set up. Alistaire was still sitting on the sand, talking with herself.

"Honey, still not sleepy?" I softly said, she tilted her head back to meet my gaze. She carefully stood up then walked towards us.

"Daddy.." She softly said, standing up between her Daddy's legs. Jason's hand never leave mine, he knows that i will break down if he remove his hold on me.

"Yes princess?" Cupping her cheek with his free hand

"Are you happy with me?" She looked straight into Jason's eyes. I was shock by her question. She knows everything and i'm sure she's really affected with the lost of our baby. How poor my baby girl is.

"Of course. Mommy and i can't pass our problems without you. You've been our baby and soon you'll be a big sister. Why are you asking that?" Jason softly and slowly said to her. I was stunned because of what she asked, really asking myself, why did she ask that?

"Cause you lost the baby. Daddy, do you love me?" Tears fall down on my cheeks. Shocked with what is Alistaire was asking again. Why is she asking these things? Jason was about to talk but i stop him.

"Alistaire, why are you asking that?" I said between my tears. I buried my head on my hands. If i can sweep away those bad things that happened just to let her know that she is really important to me, to us.

"Mommy, i'm not your real daughter, i know your not happy with me." What's the matter with this child? A three years old girl saying this damn things? Maybe she heard what we are talking about a while ago.

"I can't take this anymore. Please baby bring her somewhere. I'll sleep to Mom's room tonight." I stood up from the chair, still crying. If i'll be near to Alistaire, i don't know what will happen. She's been my life and all. Yes, she's a child and can't understand everything, but i love her like my own, why is she asking us these things?

"No. We'll fix this." Jason grabbed my wrist as i shook my head.

"Alistaire, i treated you so good. I love you the way that i love your Dad, sometimes more than that i love myself. I don't know princess why are you asking these things to us, but i was really hurt." I cupped her cheeks, saying this things slowly not to hurt her.

"If you think that i don't love you or we don't love you, start not saying Mommy to me. I lost your baby brother or our baby, but you know what, your one of the reason why Mommy, oh no, why i moved forward." I sighed, wiping my tears away. Jason was looking at me as he keeps on comforting Alistaire.

"I love you Alistaire, i don't know if you understand me, but i love you no matter what." I kissed her forehead. I touch Jason's cheek, wiping his tears away.

"I love you baby. Be with her tonight, i'll sleep on the spare room. I want to be alone." I peck a kiss on his lips, tasting the salty tears that keeps on falling from both of us.

"Sorry. We'll fix this baby okay?" I nodded. He hugged me with his free arm, rubbing my back.

"I love you. You sleep well okay?" He whispered. I released myself from the hug then stood up.

"I love you more baby. Goodnight." I walked away from them, making my way inside the beach house. I can hear Alistaire's calling me and she's crying loud. I ignored her, still a little pissed off.

I launched myself on the couch on the living room. I can't manage to go up on the spare room, cause i felt my body is shaking. I laid on the couch, still thinking about what Alistaire said.

My heart skipped a beat as she asked those damn questions. Yes, she's a kid, i should understand her. But it's getting on my nerves, i lost our baby and now she's asking those. Does she know how happy i am, that finally, she's really ours, thru legal documents. How glad i am that i have her in my life? How lucky i am to be her Mommy?

My tears continue to fall. Exhaustion and tiredness covers me. I curled up with the cushion on the couch and drifts on my sleep.
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"Stephanie.. Stephanie.." I felt someone rocking me, i rubbed my eyes, open it but close it soon because of the sun rays. It's already morning. I stretched my arms then get up.

"Morning Mom." I yawned. Mom sit beside me, pulling me closer to her.

"It's already afternoon honey. I know what happen, she's just a kid, want some attention from you." Mom kissed the top of my head.

"Mom-" She waved her hand to cut me off. I looked over the beach, they are all there.

"Fix this. Okay? You eat first then follow us there." Mom got up from the couch then walked towards the beach. I stepped inside the kitchen as Evelyn served me a lunch. I let myself eat the food in front of me. It really saves me from hunger. I made my way to our room as soon as i'm done eating. Our room was so messy, Jason can't handle this. I remove my clothes and gave myself a little shower and did my rituals. I put on my black two piece suit, putting above this was my white see through dress then made my way down to the beach. I noticed everyone was on the water besides Jason. His sitting on our favorite beach chair, looking towards the water.

"Hi baby." I wrapped my arms around his waist. He looked at me, he look stress and shit.

"I miss you baby. I didn't sleep you know that?" He chuckled. I sit beside him, leaning on his shoulder.

"Alistaire didn't stop crying. She wants to go to you last night." He stated. Alistaire was looking towards us, pulling Lucy's hand to get out of the water.

"I don't want to be near her baby. Not now maybe. I'm so hurt with those questions." I truthfully said. I just don't want her now, just now. Alistaire was walking towards us with Lucy.

"How was your sleep honey?" Lucy placed a soft kiss on my forehead. I hugged her with all of my love for her.

"Good. I'm going to swim." I stood up before Alistaire can reach me. I remove my dress then run towards the water, soaking myself in the midst of it. I can clearly see that my baby girl is crying on Jason's lap. I want my daughter, really really want her. I stayed on the water, making my mind clear.

I saw my Mom was waving at me, cue to stay out of the water. I slowly swim until i touch the sand. As i get out of the water, i was quickly wrapped on a big towel by my fiancèe.

"Thanks hottie." I wrapped an arm around his waist, walking towards the group. Alistaire was sitting on the beach chair with her Ipad on her hand.

"I love your red two piece than this black." He grinned. I sat on the chair in front of my little girl, she slowly move her head up then quickly put her head down to her Ipad again. She knows that i'm mad.

"Baby, did you already get me a new baby? I want a new daughter now." I teased. I said it not too loud, but just to get Alistaire's attention. Jason looked at me, i just gave him a wink, signalling that it's only a joke.

"What? I want a new daughter now. I want a sweet and beautiful girl like my old daughter." I softly laughed. She's still focus on her Ipad as if she didn't hear me. Jason drape his arm on my shoulder, looking at the girl in front of us.

"I'll get you a new baby girl later. But, i want you to meet my baby first." Jason giggled. He pulled Alistaire from the chair infront of us, pulling away her Ipad from her hands.

"This is Alistaire, my daughter. This is Stephanie, my wife." He chuckled. Alistaire was looking on the sand, still not looking at me. Such a cute little one.

"Can i kiss that chubby cheeks?" I cupped her cheeks. She looked at me, then nodded. She smiled and moved out of her Dad's legs. She stood between my legs, still waiting for me to kiss her.

"I miss you little girl." I placed kisses on her whole face. She pulled me in her small frame, hugging me.

"Mommy.. Sorry.." She softly whispered. Jason's arm was on my waist, not leaving my side.

"It's Mommy's fault honey. Sorry too. I love you." I peck a kiss on her small lips. I really miss my little girl.

"I love you Mommy." She touch both sides of my face, looking straight in my eyes. Jason pulled us both for a big hug. My life was nothing without these two.

"Guys! Come on! Snack time!" Lucy shouted from the table that they set up. I stood up and put on my dress then carried my little angel on my arms, while his arm was still around me.

I ate a little only, i'm stil full because of my late lunch a while ago. Jason and Alistaire was both eating like a monster. I grabbed my Ipad, capturing the moment. I took a photo that they were both laughing while holding their own burgers. Posted it in my account of course.

Look at my monsters. Love them BIG TIME❤️

"Don't play with the foods." Wiggling my index finger to them. I sipped on the strawberry smoothies, really enjoying the last few hours here in the beach.

"Steph, we'll be dropping by at the souvenir shop later on the road. Prepare if you'll buy too." Mom smiled. I just nodded at her, not leaving my smoothies. This beach house was located on the province side of our country. That's why many souvenir shops was on the road.

We stayed on the beach for few hours but later on started to pack our things. We need to shower and get dress before the night covers the area. It's gonna be another long drive back to the city.