Found it! [ girlxgirl ]

|FIFTHTEEN|

I am half way through my flight to Italy. It won't be long now, before I see my family for the first time in six months.

I'm leaning against the plane window, staring at the vast sky below me. My music is blasting through my headphone so I'm able to shut up the entire world around me and focus only on my thoughts.

Last night was one of the best nights I had in New Hampshire. Unfortunately, all good things come to an end.

Before entering the cab that drove me and Sarah to her place, I said goodbye to Avery. It was painful. Moments before, we were immersed in a range of pleasant feelings and emotions, but it was time to say goodbye and neither one of us was prepared for it.

I wanted to hold her, to kiss her. And I did, but it was bittersweet because we both knew it would make my departure even harder.

She gave me my gift and I promised to open it as close to my birthday as possible. I couldn't promise her something I wasn't going to do, which was waiting six more days to open it.

Before leaving, I made the mistake to tell her that she should enjoy her summer as if we haven't kissed, as if we hadn't met. It hurt her, I could see it in her face. It hurt me, too.

I didn't mean to cause her any pain. Do I want her to be there when I return? Yes. But we never know what will happen in such long time. We better not commit to something we're not sure about. I know she thought I was just letting things uncertain so I could have fun during the summer without feeling guilty, without thinking about her. That's not it, though, and I wish she would understand that.

In reality, I'm leaving our relationship open so we can work on it when I get back. I'm hopeful that, despite what might happen during the summer, there will be something to work on when I return. If she had made me the promise of waiting for me, and then broke it, there would be nothing to work on. I wouldn't be able to do it. I wouldn't expect her to do the same, if it happened the other way around.

I'm also afraid that, if our relationship doesn't work, she'll resent me for a stolen summer or something.

I know, I might've overthought this but I stand by it.

When I gave her one last kiss I felt the tension and I knew I had really hurt her. My heart ached and I wished I could go back in time and explain myself better.

It was the first time, since we met, that she wasn't able to understand me. And I wouldn't be around to explain it to her, except via Facebook messages or Skype calls.

That night I couldn't sleep. Not only was I anxious about the flight and getting back home, but I was also afraid that Avery would think that she didn't mean enough for me to wait three months to be with her. Because she did! She really did.

Sarah tried to convince me that I was overthinking and that Avery knew I'm not expecting to find someone else during the summer. But I wasn't so sure. Avery's eyes showed me the sadness and disappointment and I couldn't find a way to make it better. I didn't have time for it, even if I knew what to do or what to say.

And here I am, about to open her present, with a heavy heart and a worried mind.

I unwrap the little present and see it's a golden necklace with a tiny pendant in the form of binoculars. I chuckle and start reading the little note she left inside the wrap.

"May you always look as far as your heart wants you to. May you always find what you're looking for, and neither the time or the distance should stop you."

I put the necklace on. I'm staring at the sky outside the window, holding the tiny binoculars on my fingers, and my heart aches.

It will be a long flight. It will be a long summer.

----

May, 21st, 2017. It's Sunday, and unlike every other Sunday for the past nine months, I don't have a full day of Skype calls ahead of me. No! This time, I am home.

Yesterday I arrived completely worn out, mentally and physically. I barely slept the night before and I couldn't sleep at all during the flight. My parents were waiting for me at the airport and I almost fell asleep in their arms when we hugged. Oh, they have no idea how much I missed the comfort they give me.

On our way home, I fell asleep in the back seat of my father's car. When we arrived, I went straight to my room and laid in my bed. My parents followed me and while my mother was unpacking my clothes so she could wash them, my father was sitting at my desk. They asked a couple questions, but they soon realized I was too tired to speak so they left me alone.

I've been sleeping since then. Now, I am slowly waking up to the noise of a busy kitchen, downstairs.

Feeling a lot more energetic than yesterday, I jump out of bed and run downstairs to hug every family member. That is, my parents, my grandmother, and my dog.

My mother had already prepared me an all-you-can-it kind of breakfast. She said I'll need the energy if I intend to see everyone I've been missing today.

I take a deep breath and let this moment sink in. I'm sitting in my home, with my parent on my left side and my grandmother on my right side. My dog is laying at my feet, under the table, waiting for an 'accidental' food drop.

-"Dimmi amore..." My grandmother patted my forearm "Did you find what you were looking for?"

It took me a couple seconds to answer her. My father chuckled and my mother playfully hits his arm. They were all smiling at me, already expecting a negative answer.

-"I did, actually..." I say, with a wide smile on my face.

I wasn't lying.

During my flight I had time to think about it, after unwrapping Avery's gift.

Now, you're probably thinking I'm referring to Avery, but I'm not. Although, she is directly related to it and I did find her, or she found me. Well, we found each other, but that's not it.

What I was looking for and what I ended up finding in New Hampshire, was with me all the time. In fact, it was me.

I guess I found myself, or rather a part of myself. A part that, deep down, I knew it existed and that's why I always felt like I was missing something. A part of me that I wasn't comfortable to find here and that's why I always felt I had to go somewhere else.

I'm talking about my sexuality, my bisexuality. It has always been here with me, but...did I not know about it or did I choose to ignore it? I really don't know and I won't bother to find the answer. What matters is that I'm certain of it now. I'm complete.

I can finally say that I know myself, wholly. An this feeling is amazing. It's like I had this secret that I was keeping from everyone, including myself, and it clouded everything else. It distorted everything else. It distorted the way I saw my past, the way I lived my present, and the way I envisioned my future. That's why nothing felt completely right before.

It's time to change that.

-"I found it." I say, proudly. "But I'll only tell you when I'm ready, okay?"

They all look at me confused, narrowing their eyes.

-"Emma, if you're pregnant, you better tell me now or I..." My mother is pointing her finger at me.

-"That's not it, Mamma!" I interrupted her, chuckling. "But you can all rest assured that I found it."

That's all they need to know for now.

I found it...