Found it! [ girlxgirl ]

||SIXTEEN||

On May 28th, 2017, I had my first skype call with Avery. It went better than expected, since we didn't leave things in the best way possible.

Emma: Hey...

Avery: Hello my favorite Italian girl.

Emma: Do you know many?

Avery: Does it matter?

Emma: Are you going to answer with a question?

Avery: Am I forbidden to do so?

Emma: .l. to you, my least favorite American.

Avery: Wow! So mature Ems x) Are we gonna video chat or not? I want to yell a late happy birthday to you and apologize for not finding time for it two days ago...

And you did video chat that night, for two hours. She told me all about her show. I told her about my trip back home and my birthday, about visiting my family and friends, about the talks I had with my parents about my amazing year in America...we just talked about everything-ish.

Truth is, we avoided the subject "us" and the last conversation we had. Well, I avoided it, I'll admit. I just didn't have the energy to explain my reasoning behind the decision to leave our relationship open and I was sure we could move on.

I remember wishing I could travel in time and explain myself better, but when I had the opportunity to at least try to do it, I backed down. Probably not my best moment, I see it now. I firmly believed that the damage was already done and I was simply hoping that we could move past it and in the end, I would've been right.

I would've been right either because one of us had something with other people during the summer, and the other would not be upset because we were not together, or because neither of us did anything at all. In both scenarios, in late August, when I return to the USA, we can pick up where we left of.

I never saw a third scenario happening. But it did. Here's a really short summary of that scenario, because I really don't want to dive into that right now:

June 6th, 2017: we talked for almost one hour. We had less to talk about, but since we still didn't know each other that well we took the opportunity to do so. I was happy, and so was she. She was warm and caring, as always. Or at least she was trying to be. I noticed a difference in the way we were talking but I chose to ignore it.

June 11th and 13th, 2017: we talked for nearly 40 minutes each day. The time difference wasn't on our side, but we still talked for a while. This was the last time we used video on our calls, though.

June 24th, 2017: after many rainchecks, we finally talked. I'm pretty sure we barely talked for 15-min, and out of those, 5 were just silence where we were mentally struggling to find something to talk about. I even considered the possibility to bring the "us" subject back to life but I realized that the moment had passed.

After that, we never spoke again besides a couple text messages. She was cold and I guess I was too.

I was upset that we had gotten to that point and I'm guessing she was upset because I never talked about us. I can't blame her. In fact, I appreciate that she tried her best to move forward....to forget about that night and my hurtful words. The warm and caring Avery in the first skype calls was just an attempt to make this work. Deep down she wasn't feeling that warm and caring.

God, she probably buried her feelings and her worries just because I never wanted to talk about it. I thought everything would work out just fine.

I should've let her yell at me. We should've argued and find a solution. I should've let her tell me what she was feeling and I should've told her what I was feeling too. I should've tried harder, at least just as much as she tried in those first calls.