Found it! [ girlxgirl ]

|| EIGHTEEN ||

Six days passed and still no word from Avery. I knew things were not great, but the confirmation that things are actually worse than I thought, killed every hope I had left.

I was wrong to think we could pick up where we left of and I definitely made the wrong decision by telling Avery we should wait for September to pick up where we left of.

Funny thing is, if I went back in time I think I would make the same decision again. Sure, I would express myself better. I would make sure Avery knew that I liked her and I wanted her to be there, on August 26th, when I arrive at New Hampshire.

I still think my decision was not entirely wrong, because in my mind it actually made sense. But I do understand that it may not make sense to Avery and she may have perceived things differently than I expected.

I was so used to be completely understood by her, that I assumed she would understand me in that moment also.

I'm so confused right now, that I need to vent. I need to talk to someone, preferably someone who won't simply say what I want to hear. Someone who'll speak their mind. That someone is my best friend Alessa.

When I told my friends that I was bisexual I didn't want to tell them all about Avery and our situation. I was really not in the mood to have everyone analyzing my short-lived relationship (if I can call it that), just like my parents and my grandma did. Also, Mateo didn't take the news very well and I couldn't put salt on his most recent wound by talking non-stop about her.

But I do need to spill my heart out and listen to the voice of reason of Alessa. That's why today it's just me and her, in my backyard, with our lemon juice in one hand and a bag of chips in the other.

-"So there is someone? I wanted to ask you that, but Mateo was about to cry and I swallowed all my questions!" She says after I told about Avery.

-"He was not. He was upset and hurt, but not almost crying, right?" I ask worried that I once again made a wrong decision that hurt someone I care about.

We talked a little about Mateo's and all my other friend's reactions to my revelation. We also talked about all the times that I could've realized that I wasn't straight, but chose to ignore it. After that we finally started talking about Avery and how we are today...or how we are not.

-"Emma, I love you, and I know you hate when people say this...but you were wrong." Alessa says as it's the most obvious thing.

-"Listen, the relationship was not yet defined as a relationship and because of that it seemed fine to think that we could only start to truly build a relationship when I return to the USA, instead of building it over Skype, miles apart." I defend myself.

-"But you kissed, right?" She asks and I nod my head, thinking back to that moment and not being able to smile. "She was probably telling you that she's in. That, although you were going away, she cared enough to kiss you that night knowing you could only do it again in three months! Maybe she was asking you to commit, with that kiss. If she didn't want to start something, or if she wanted to have a 'free summer' she wouldn't have done it. Or is she the kind of girl that likes to make out at parties and not remember the other person in the next day?"

-"No. I don't think so." Her question takes me by surprise. "No, I'm sure that's not it. If we had just met that night I couldn't be sure of it, but we met a long time before. We kept talking and getting to know each other better. We invested time in each other, and it lead us to that moment. She wouldn't kiss me if she didn't mean to start...shit!"

-"You're making my arguments for me. Thank you!" She speaks after I suddenly stopped talking, realizing how stupid I was.

-"Fuck! I knew I was stupid for telling her to forget about the kiss for during the summer, but I never really saw what her point of view might have been."

-"Yeah, for someone who overthinks about everything, who looks into every details of every situation...you suck when it comes to relationships. Your brain kind off stops working, doesn't it?"

-"It seems like it. If only I could use that as a validation for my actions, and get her to talk to me again..."

-"Have you tried?"

-"Yes, like three days, 17 hours and 27 minutes ago." I moan.

-"Okay." She chuckles, but keeps a sympathetic smile on her face. "You should send her another one, or a voice mail. You're not one to give up on what, or who, you want."

-"I don't know...In the last message I basically told her that I came out to my parents and she didn't even know I was in the closet in the first place. I'm sure that didn't help the situation. In most movies and tv shows that I saw this past months, as research, I found out that lesbians out of the closet avoid lesbians inside of it."

-"She didn't know? You never talked about it?" She asks, incredulous. "So, do you even know if she's out? If she's even gay?"

I'm pretty sure she's gay but I don't know if she's openly gay or not. That was an interesting question. We never talked about our sexuality or our past relationships. For some reason, I think she's been out of the closet for a long time. I remember that she was flirting with the waitress when I met her, and it came out naturally and without worries of what others might think.

-"I don't know. I don't even know if it's okay to ask. I'm new to this, although I made an extensive research." I say. "I'm going to screw things up one way or the other with my lack of experience. In fact, she was probably spooked by that and that's why she's not answering me."

-"Yeah, I'm sure it's not the 'hey Avery, let's not commit so we can fool around in the summer'" She starts laughing but immediately stops when she hears me moaning in despair. "I'm sorry. Too soon. So, I've wanted to ask you about...that...lack of...experience..."

-"No, Alessa, I'm not talking about sex with you." I interrupt her, blushing. "It's not like there's anything to talk about...".

-"That's a no, then? You never had sex? Kiss?" She asks again. She always asks whatever she has on her mind.

-"That's a no. And I almost have another panic attack just to think that I will, hopefully, and I won't know what to do."

-"Just go with the flow, I guess. I never did it, with a girl, but sex is sex. You answer to your own body, and to your partner's body needs." She tells me, frowning her eyebrows as if not sure of what she's saying.

-"Thanks, but could we stop talking about sex. I first need to get a girlfriend, only then I can freak out about having sex with her."

-"Sure. But promise you'll call me when you need to talk about it, because I know that you'll need to talk about it." She says with her most serious face.

-"I promise, Alessa."

Will that time ever come? I hope so, and I hope Avery's is the girl that has me worried about sex.

I should text her again, or call her, or leave her a voice mail. Or I could just wait two more weeks and knock on her door. Good thing I asked for her address when I got the idea of sending her a postcard from Italy.

I take a deep breath and start typing a really long text to Avery, while my best friend looks at me worried. In the text, I explain myself and I say that I totally understand if she doesn't want to speak to me again. It's a really long text, almost as if I ranted out loud and my phone was automatically transcribing it.

Before pressing send, I put my phone down and take a look at the bright sky, thinking about my return to the USA.

After picking up the phone again, I delete the enormous text message. Feeling a painful lump in my throat, I type a simpler and shorter message.

I'm sorry

...

'sent'

...

'seen'

...

Shit! *sighs*